By Andrew J. Hogan
Congratulations!!! You have chosen the
Heavenly Vapors Home Self-Immolation Kit (HVHSK), the most practical way to end
your life through conflagration available to someone not a member of a suicide
cult. The HVHSK’s unique formulation of heavy petroleum, gasoline and jet fuel
not only burns more thoroughly, leaving 30% less unincinerated tissue than
other products, but the HVHSK is more effective, causing death in an average of
four and a half minutes, minimizing unfortunate rescue attempts and the pain
and expense of prolonged burn unit stays.
selection is paramount when using
your HVHSK. Self-immolation can be hazardous to pets, property and other
persons if undertaken inside a flammable structure. The HVHSK will produce a
satisfactory open-air immolation under most climatic conditions, including
light to moderate precipitation and winds less than 20 miles per hour.
Non-flammable structures, such as concrete parking garages, are suitable for
individuals wishing to self-immolate during a thunderstorm.
For those desiring wet open-air
self-immolation, such as in heavy rainfall, a swimming pool, river or lake,
please exchange your current kit for the HVHSK-M, which contains heavier
petroleum, a waterproof binding agent and three pounds of magnesium crystals.
In the presence of water vapor released by burning flesh magnesium will produce
an explosively hot flame, effectuating incineration even while submerged.
Attempt wet self-immolation only in larger bodies of water, at least ten
thousand gallons. Hot tubs are not suitable for wet self-immolation, as the
superheated water may damage tub walls.
selecting a suitable
self-immolation site, mix the fuel and the binding agent in a large pail.
Complete incineration can best be achieved by wearing absorbent clothing on all
parts of your body. Cover your head with several stocking masks or ski caps to
completely incinerate the skull and brains. Wear heavy socks on your feet.
Light cloth gloves should be all that is needed for your hands, unless they are
Once clothed in absorbent material,
stand in the special immolation pan included with the kit and carefully wet all
areas of the body, starting at the top and making sure there is at least one
inch of liquid in the pan. Once completely saturated, ignite the Heavenly
Vaporizing Lighter and drop it into the pan. Enjoy the rush of warmth that will
quickly envelop you.
Do not attempt to ignite your clothing
directly, particularly the upper body; this may lead to incomplete combustion
if you lose consciousness and collapse before your lower extremities are ignited,
leaving grisly remains for loved ones to clean-up. To prevent premature
collapse, perhaps due to a pre-existing medical condition, we offer the HVHSK
wooden body rack, designed to fit inside the immolation pan and to keep you
upright during initial combustion. There is a stainless steel version for
plus-size customers needing up to nine minutes to achieve satisfactory
incineration. If the self-immolation procedure is performed correctly, all
ashes and bone remnants should collect in the immolation pan for easy disposal.
Disclaimers: Emergency extinguishing devices for
customers having second thoughts after beginning the immolation process are
available, but our research shows these devices produce poor customer outcomes,
usually crippling burns and lingering death. Instead we suggest you attend a
Heavenly Vapors Warm Sendoff seminar to assure that self-immolation is the best
choice for your final departure. See our website for locations and dates.
Heavenly Vapors cannot guarantee that
its self-immolation kit will obviate the need for cremation. Many factors can
affect the completeness of
combustion. A combustion-friendly diet can be helpful—See “Healthy Diets for
the Prospective Self-Immolator” by Fiamma Lancia, available directly from our
website or Amazon.com
Most organized religions are
close-minded about self-immolation, and civil authorities frequently attempt to
prevent or interrupt the self-immolation service. Unfortunately, most
self-immolators find it necessary to perform a solitary service, away from
family and friends. Our website offers a full range of audio tapes, CDs and
DVDs with musical selections, readings of philosophical and religious texts,
and images of religious and artistic symbols that enhance the self-immolation
ceremony for some individuals. In our experience, most satisfied customers
prefer the simple, no-nonsense ceremony in a familiar driveway, backyard or
nearby parking lot.
Your satisfaction is one hundred percent
guaranteed, with a full return of the purchase price if self-immolation is
unsuccessful due to a manufacturing defect in our product.
Andrew Hogan was a faculty member at the State
University of New
York at Stony Brook, the University of Michigan and Michigan State University.
He published more than five-dozen professional articles on health services
research and health policy. He has published more than 100 works of short
Hillary Lyon is an illustrator for horror/sci-fi
pulp fiction websites and magazines. She is also founder and senior editor
for the independent poetry publisher, Subsynchronous Press. An SFPA
Rhysling Award nominated poet, her poems have appeared in journals such as Eternal
Haunted Summer, Jellyfish Whispers, Scfifaikuest, Illya’s Honey, and Red River
as well as numerous anthologies. Her short stories have appeared
recently in Night
to Dawn, Yellow Mama, Black Petals, Sirens Call, and Tales from
the Moonlit Path, among others,
as well as in numerous horror
anthologies such as Night in New
Orleans: Bizarre Beats from the
Big Easy, Thuggish
Itch: Viva Las Vegas, and White Noise & Ouija Boards. She appeared,
briefly, as the uncredited "all-American Mom with baby"
in Purple Cactus Media’s 2007 Arizona indie-film, "Vote for
lived in France, Brazil, Canada, and several states in the US, she now resides
in southern Arizona. https://hillarylyon.wordpress.com/