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The Storm-Fiction by Sean O'Keefe
Claire Morgan's Key to Happiness-Fiction by Roy Dorman
Badass Ted's Christmas Adventure-Fiction by Kenneth James Crist
As Good on Him as on a Dead Man-Fiction by Jeff Esterholm
Using Your Kit-Fiction by Andrew J. Hogan
The Apathetic Tide-Fiction by Alan Edward Small
Christmas Karma-Fiction by Cindy Rosmus
Salt Lake City Slaughterhouse-Fiction by J. Brooke
Mean Mama-Fiction by Tom Barker
All You Can Drink $5.00-Fiction by D. L. Shirey
Shell Shocked-Fiction by M. A. De Neve
The Present-Mark Joseph Kevlock
Red Christmas-Flash Fiction by Morgan Boyd
Samurai Santa-Flash Fiction by BAM
Guns and Rose-Flash Fiction by Paul Beckman
Christmas Eve Blow and Doll Houses-Flash Fiction by Luke Walters
Holly, Jolly-Flash Fiction by Mandi Rose
Pineapple-Poem by Cindy Rosmus
Life is Weird-Poem by Meg Baird
Appendages-Poem by Samuel Cardinale
The Means of Production-Poem by Robert Beveridge
Suicide of Living-Poem by John D. Robinson
It's On My List-Poem by Judith Partin-Nielsen
Hoarding Life-Poem by Michael Keshigian
Homeless in NYC-Poem by Michael Keshigian
Death Speaks-Poem by Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal
Time Stops-Poem by Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal
House of Un-Reality-Poem by Dr. Mel Waldman
The Ghosts of Borges-Poem by Dr. Mel Waldman
The Bitchers-Poem by David Spicer
Voltaire and the Literary Guerillas-Poem by David Spicer
Cartoons by Cartwright
Hail, Tiger!
Angel of Manslaughter
The Gazing Ball
Strange Gardens
Gutter Balls
Calpurnia's Window
No Place Like Home
ALAT
Dark Tales from Gent's Pens

usingyourkit.jpg
Art by Hillary Lyon 2018

USING YOUR KIT

By Andrew J. Hogan

 

 

 

 

Congratulations!!! You have chosen the Heavenly Vapors Home Self-Immolation Kit (HVHSK), the most practical way to end your life through conflagration available to someone not a member of a suicide cult. The HVHSK’s unique formulation of heavy petroleum, gasoline and jet fuel not only burns more thoroughly, leaving 30% less unincinerated tissue than other products, but the HVHSK is more effective, causing death in an average of four and a half minutes, minimizing unfortunate rescue attempts and the pain and expense of prolonged burn unit stays.

Preparations: Site selection is paramount when using your HVHSK. Self-immolation can be hazardous to pets, property and other persons if undertaken inside a flammable structure. The HVHSK will produce a satisfactory open-air immolation under most climatic conditions, including light to moderate precipitation and winds less than 20 miles per hour. Non-flammable structures, such as concrete parking garages, are suitable for individuals wishing to self-immolate during a thunderstorm.

For those desiring wet open-air self-immolation, such as in heavy rainfall, a swimming pool, river or lake, please exchange your current kit for the HVHSK-M, which contains heavier petroleum, a waterproof binding agent and three pounds of magnesium crystals. In the presence of water vapor released by burning flesh magnesium will produce an explosively hot flame, effectuating incineration even while submerged. Attempt wet self-immolation only in larger bodies of water, at least ten thousand gallons. Hot tubs are not suitable for wet self-immolation, as the superheated water may damage tub walls.

Instructions: After selecting a suitable self-immolation site, mix the fuel and the binding agent in a large pail. Complete incineration can best be achieved by wearing absorbent clothing on all parts of your body. Cover your head with several stocking masks or ski caps to completely incinerate the skull and brains. Wear heavy socks on your feet. Light cloth gloves should be all that is needed for your hands, unless they are unusually meaty.

Once clothed in absorbent material, stand in the special immolation pan included with the kit and carefully wet all areas of the body, starting at the top and making sure there is at least one inch of liquid in the pan. Once completely saturated, ignite the Heavenly Vaporizing Lighter and drop it into the pan. Enjoy the rush of warmth that will quickly envelop you.

Do not attempt to ignite your clothing directly, particularly the upper body; this may lead to incomplete combustion if you lose consciousness and collapse before your lower extremities are ignited, leaving grisly remains for loved ones to clean-up. To prevent premature collapse, perhaps due to a pre-existing medical condition, we offer the HVHSK wooden body rack, designed to fit inside the immolation pan and to keep you upright during initial combustion. There is a stainless steel version for plus-size customers needing up to nine minutes to achieve satisfactory incineration. If the self-immolation procedure is performed correctly, all ashes and bone remnants should collect in the immolation pan for easy disposal.

Disclaimers: Emergency extinguishing devices for customers having second thoughts after beginning the immolation process are available, but our research shows these devices produce poor customer outcomes, usually crippling burns and lingering death. Instead we suggest you attend a Heavenly Vapors Warm Sendoff seminar to assure that self-immolation is the best choice for your final departure. See our website for locations and dates.

Heavenly Vapors cannot guarantee that its self-immolation kit will obviate the need for cremation.  Many factors can affect the completeness of combustion. A combustion-friendly diet can be helpful—See “Healthy Diets for the Prospective Self-Immolator” by Fiamma Lancia, available directly from our website or Amazon.com

Most organized religions are close-minded about self-immolation, and civil authorities frequently attempt to prevent or interrupt the self-immolation service. Unfortunately, most self-immolators find it necessary to perform a solitary service, away from family and friends. Our website offers a full range of audio tapes, CDs and DVDs with musical selections, readings of philosophical and religious texts, and images of religious and artistic symbols that enhance the self-immolation ceremony for some individuals. In our experience, most satisfied customers prefer the simple, no-nonsense ceremony in a familiar driveway, backyard or nearby parking lot.

Your satisfaction is one hundred percent guaranteed, with a full return of the purchase price if self-immolation is unsuccessful due to a manufacturing defect in our product.






Andrew Hogan was a faculty member at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, the University of Michigan and Michigan State University. He published more than five-dozen professional articles on health services research and health policy. He has published more than 100 works of short fiction.





Hillary Lyon is an illustrator for horror/sci-fi and pulp fiction websites and magazines. She is also founder and senior editor for the independent poetry publisher, Subsynchronous Press. An SFPA Rhysling Award nominated poet, her poems have appeared in journals such as Eternal Haunted Summer, Jellyfish Whispers, Scfifaikuest, Illya’s Honey, and Red River Review, as well as numerous anthologies. Her short stories have appeared recently in Night to Dawn, Yellow Mama, Black Petals, Sirens Call, and Tales from the Moonlit Path, among others, as well as in numerous horror anthologies such as Night in New Orleans: Bizarre Beats from the Big EasyThuggish Itch: Viva Las Vegas, and White Noise & Ouija Boards. She appeared, briefly, as the uncredited "all-American Mom with baby" in Purple Cactus Media’s 2007 Arizona indie-film, "Vote for Zombie." Having lived in France, Brazil, Canada, and several states in the US, she now resides in southern Arizona.  https://hillarylyon.wordpress.com/






In Association with Black Petals & Fossil Publications 2018