Special Teeth

© KJ Hannah Greenberg

As a child, Mia loved campfire stories. She’d hold a flashlight under her chin, shine it onto her face, and try to freak out her bunkmates with tales of creepy crawlers.

In college, too, she earned an unsavory reputation. Rather than building notoriety from telling folk stories, though, she established herself as a frightening girl because of her teeth. In fraternity houses and in eating clubs all over campus, hetero boys and lesbians, alike, whispered about Mia’s choppers.

Consequently, lots of youths tried to bed her. Mia acquiesced to none of them. The world, or even a small part of it, didn’t need to corroborate that she had dermoid cysts in her vagina. She, herself, hadn’t even known of their existence until Dave Williams had tried to haze her.

Although she had only been a freshman, Mia had doubted the necessity of sleeping with the drama club’s president in order to get her one act produced. Nonetheless, the influence of cheap wine and of cheaper weed had made her malleable. She had caved and had allowed Dave to explore “down there.”

His subsequent shriek had broken her druggy stupor. In answer, Mia had smacked him across the face, had pulled her covers to her chest, and had ordered him to leave her room.

Shortly thereafter, the rumors began to spread. Mia became “the girl with the teeth.” No amount of social prestidigitation could rein in that drama club officer. Likewise, references to Mia’s “talent” bloomed all over the Internet.

   When she returned home, that summer, Mia scheduled an appointment with a gynecologist. She scheduled a talk with her mother, too.

Yes, she had been one of two babies expected that pregnancy. No, her mother had had no idea what had happened to Mia’s twin. No, her mother had never felt a need to tell Mia about her missing sibling.

Mia had shrugged in response, had given her mother a dirty look, and then had locked herself in her bedroom. She began to search for support groups for young women who had balls of epidermis, hair follicles, and sebaceous glands in their vaginas. She found none. That summer ended.

Back on campus, other students’ jokes about her body was no longer Mia’s greatest problem. She began to have horrible headaches, double vision, and episodes of cognitive muddiness. The former Dean’s List student found herself on academic probation.

At about the same time that Mia was experiencing bouts of sudden, debilitating head pain, it was discovered, and then circulated, that the mother of the drama club’s president was only fifteen years older than her son. Gossip about Mia quickly died. Just as suddenly, the school’s fraternity boys lost their interest in her; discovering “vagina dentate” had become passé relative to their new game of speed humping.

During Thanksgiving Recess, Mia again sought the gynecologist. That doctor suggested that: Mia’s tumors had grown primitive brain cells, Mia’s immune system was fighting those outworlders, and Mia’s white cells couldn’t differentiate between bits of tumors and needed ganglia. The doc suggested that Mia undergo surgery and follow up with medications that would obstruct antibodies.

Mia complied. Accordingly, these days, Mia goes out in public wearing surgical masks. She figures that the stares that she receives are better than incapacitating headaches. What’s more, she’s dropped the drama club and has moved off campus.

Nevertheless, occasionally, Mia’s asked about the fangs that are allegedly growing in her most private of places. Sometimes, Mia answers factually. Most of the time, she ignores the questions as she is tires of that bunkum. Once in a while she considers buying a spiked chastity belt.