Sleeping Again
By Russ Bickerstaff
I believe that I’m
going to re-examine this whole sleeping thing once I’m
awake again. I’m not saying that I’m never
going to sleep again. I’m
just saying that it might not be the best idea. I don’t
think it’s for everybody. I think it’s
generally a good idea. But I don’t
think it something that everybody needs to engage in. I’ve
seen what it can do to people. I know what it’s
doing to me. And I really don’t like it.
So I’m
just going to assume that everyone knows what I’m
talking about. Even though I’m
sleeping. And I’m not actually
talking to anyone. But I feel like no I probably should. I feel like no I
probably should talk to everybody. I’m in, as
long as I’m sleeping I might as well, right?
There’s really no other option for it at
this stage. Just talk to every won the way they would all talk to me if they
were sleeping. And so long as I am in a position to be able to grant people to
respond, I might as well, right? It feels good. It feels good to address
everyone even though I’m not
really conscious while I’m doing so.
And it seems to me that I’m in a
really unique place to be able to offer up some bits of wisdom from the realm
of the unconscious.
There’s
a problem with being unconscious, though. It’s the fact
that I can’t seem to remember what it was that
I was going to say. And I have access to nearly infinite wisdom being
completely asleep, I don’t know how
to articulate it that to anyone else with also sleeping right now. And they’re all
asleep so I can’t
talk to them. And I wouldn’t wanna
wake them up anyway. They’re
sleeping. It’s a very sacred state of being. But
one that no one should really have to engage in. In fact most people probably
just avoid sleep altogether. That’s what I’m
saying.
And having thought about it call
off time, I’m beginning to realize that I
really should probably be in a position to fall even deeper asleep. And the
only way but I’m going to do that is
by no longer making an effort to actually say anything. Because I’m
losing touch. I’m losing track of my
own consciousness. I’m losing track of my
own cleaning of thought. All I seem to be thinking about is the fact that I’m sleeping
that I probably shouldn’t
be. But is that what I’m really
doing? I don’t think so. I think sleep might not
be the word for it. I’m not sure
what it is that I’m doing. I know
whatever it is but I’m doing I need to
stop. Because it’s not right. It’s morally
long for some reason. And it’s
morally wrong for some reason but I don’t
understand right now because I’m
sleeping. But that’s not what it is.
That’s not what it is but I’m doing right
now. There’s
something in the distance. And it might be screaming. It might be blood. And it
might be fire. I’m not sure what it
is. But whatever it is is not in the immediate for me right now. Any immediate
for me right now is the sleep. And my own thoughts. In my own thoughts that are
bringing me closer and closer to the consciousness that will make me aware of
what it is that I’m doing right now.
But I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing
right now because it’s
wrong. And the more that I wake up the closer I come to understanding what it
is but I’m doing.
But I simply can’t
do it anymore. I can’t do what I’m doing
anymore. Because that’s
wrong. It’s wrong to be doing what I’m
doing. I know this watch. I know that I can’t continue to do what I’m
doing because it’s wrong. So I need to
wake up. I need to keep telling myself that I need to wake up. Because clearly
I need to take responsibility for what it is I’m
doing. Whatever the hell it is that I’m doing is
wrong. I need to wake up from it. So that I can fully acknowledge what’s going on
I need to wake up.
There is, however, something
about what it is that I’m doing
that doesn’t feel right. Waking up. I really
shouldn’t be waking up. It’s
wrong. Because the more I wake up the more I end up doing what it is but I’m doing
which is wrong. So I really need to die further
into sleep. Because if I sleep further. If I actually totally. Am I not
motionless? Am I not doing nothing? If I’m truly
sleeping but I’m not doing whatever
it is that I’m doing that’s
wrong. Aside from sleeping which is definitely wrong and I shouldn’t be doing it.
No one should be doing it. No one should
be sleeping. Because when you’re
sleeping or doing things that you don’t know.
You’re doing something you’re not aware
of. The world is dying. And you’re not doing anything to say that because you’re sleeping. Or maybe you’re
causing things to fall apart.
And everything is burning. And
everything screaming. And everything seems to be at a loss to react to whatever
it is that I’m reacting you feel. I can’t
be here. I can’t be here
doing that. I need to wake up. And the only way I can wake up from what I’m doing
is to fall asleep even further. But I’m like someone in the middle. Can’t
really seem to do one or the other. So I just need the drift. I just need to
relax. I will find my own level. Maybe the screaming will stop. And that may be
the scent of blood will vanish. And may be the last anger is a fire and we all
went out into nonexistent. It’s all I
can hope for.
Russ Bickerstaff is a professional theatre
critic and aspiring
author living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with his wife and two daughters.