Lisa’s Revenge

By Janet Hartwell

I’m swiping through “Professor Payback’s Revenge” website on my phone, looking for ideas, and I get blindsided, slammed face down into the dirt. I’m spitting dirt out of my mouth as I try to stand up. Bam, someone kicks me in the head, and I am in the dirt again. I roll over slowly, expecting to get hammered again. I look up and see Lisa holding a gun on me.

          “What the hell are you doing, woman. Are you crazy? Don’t point that at me. Put that down before you hurt yourself.” I say as I start to get up. A kick to my head knocks me back down.

          “Stay down.” Lisa glares.

          “What the hell is your problem?” I say. I don’t need Professor Payback to know I gotta act innocent.

          “You know. Why’d you do all that to me?”

          “What are you accusing me of? You got problems?  Maybe it’s because of you being conceited, not knowing your place, or respecting your betters.” I knew exactly what she was talking about, but I couldn’t admit it. I know from “Professor Payback’s Revenge” website that I gotta pretend she's crazy, and I am innocent.

          “You think you’re one of my betters? A loser like you?” Lisa jerks the gun toward me.

          "I'm saying you should be more considerate of other people’s feelings” Professor Payback suggests always talking up feelings and avoiding words like ego or pride.

          “I’ve never done a damn thing to you.”

"Come on, girl, I asked you out, and you said no. Yet you went out with that Mark guy, and he isn't even from our company. Don’t make no sense.”

          “You’re married. Mark is single. That make any sense to you?”

"I saw you talking to Mark, and I knew you were available, wanting some action. I wanted some too. Not a big deal." I needed to make her think she was unreasonable, while I was just an average guy. I learned my strategy from Professor Payback.

          “You told Mark I was sleeping with you. You lair.”

          “What, he broke up with ya? Over that? No big loss. Jesus, Lisa. Guys bullshit about that kind of stuff all the time.” I try to minimize her loss while fighting the urge to gloat.

          “I love him, and now he won’t even talk to me.” Lisa’s eyes tear up.

          “Lisa, if he believes every little bit of gossip, he’s an idiot. Looks like I did you a favor.”

          Lisa kicks me again, but not as hard. I feel I am successfully talking my way out of this situation. Professor Payback would be proud of me.

          Then she says, “You set it up so I would get fired. You told my landlord I was making meth, and I got evicted. I've been living in my car for two weeks, which is about all the good it is cause it ain't runnin' no more. You did that too, didn't you?”

"Hey, I admit taking a shit in Mark's head, but why you blaming all your problems on me? Maybe those problems are karma for being conceited. I didn't get you fired, it was all you, baby. Women shouldn't try to do that kind of work." Professor Payback instructs to shift the blame.

"Well, you've been bragging about doing it on this website. You even posted pictures!"

Oh shit, Lisa has my phone. If she calls the cops, they will bust me for stalking, malicious harassment, slander, libel, vandalism, and maybe a few other things. Luckily, Professor Payback has developed a strategy for every situation. I will say Lisa does not understand me or that she made me think she wanted me to do stuff.  I’ll parade my wife and kids in front of the jury and get off with a slap on the wrist, just like Professor Payback says.

I need to get that phone back and avoid the hassle. Then I am gonna mess with this bitch until she is living in the gutter with no teeth. I wonder if the "confession and regret" routine or the "you forced me to do it" method would work better.

          “Look, you really hurt my feelings when you wouldn’t go out with me. I wanted revenge and found that website. Yeah, I did a few bad things, but you can’t blame me. Lisa, give me a chance to show you what a nice guy I am.”

 I am talking about my hurt feelings, figuring to transfer the blame to the website, when I notice Lisa is staring at my phone and bawling. She starts babbling about her kitty.

          “Lisa, it’s not a big deal, it didn’t suffer, and I’ll get you a new one. You should try and be a good sport. This is just a misunderstanding.”

Lisa slides my cell phone into her purse and now has both hands on the gun. She is aiming it at my head. Her finger is on the trigger.

          “Lisa, I am sorry. I guess I got carried away because of that website. But you know my feelings were really hurt. Haven’t you ever had hurt feelings? Try to ….”