Sonya and Fred were at a cocktail party, celebrating the opening night
of Sonya’s sister’s art show. Many of the women wore formal cocktail dresses,
with a thigh split. Many others wore short party dresses, including Sonya. Altogether,
these women displayed much thigh candy.
Fred brought Sonya out to the smoking patio.
“Why are we here?” asked Sonya.
“You invited me as your ‘plus one’,” replied Fred.
“Yes, and then you proceeded to ogle the thighs of every woman present.
Your eyes have been at half-mast all night.”
“You know I only have eyes for you.”
Sonya made a sputtering noise, then said, “I meant, why did you bring me
out to the patio?”
“The bank robber’s sister is here. I recognized her from when I testified
at the bank heist trial.”
An automatic weapon ripped off a short burst, inside the gallery. Somebody
yelled, “This is a robbery! If you use a cell phone, you die!”
Fred quickly boosted Sonya to the top of the eight-foot wooden patio
fence. She made it over the fence, but meanwhile dropped her stupid strapless
clutch purse, which she then regretted bringing to the party.
backed up, preparing for a run at the fence.
From the patio door, a pistol toting woman said, “Stop right there,
Fred said, “Yes ma’am, stopping right here, ma’am.”
“Where’s your date?”
“The date who belongs to that purse over by the fence.”
“Oh, that date. We had a fight and she left.”
“Via the fence?”
“That fence is way high. Nobody could scale it.”
“But she could make it over, if you boosted her up, eh?”
“I can’t confirm that.”
The woman picked up the purse, then said, “Get inside, asshole.”
Inside the gallery, a team of three guys were robbing party guests of
cell phones, jewelry, and other valuables. One of the guys came over, took
Fred’s wallet and cell phone. With a smirk, the man declined to take Fred’s
Fred’s female captor said, “We’ve got to go. A woman escaped from the
patio. She dropped her purse and her cell-phone’s in it, but she’s sure to
raise the alarm, somehow.”
“We’re almost done,” said the male robber. “Is this the guy?”
“Why am I the guy?” asked Fred.
“You know why,” said the woman.
“I know you’re the bank robber’s sister.”
“Bingo! Then, you know why you’re the designated hostage.”
Tyrel and Traevon were conducting business, at their usual corner. Tyrel was
older, he did the
deals. Traevon was under 18, he held the drugs. Traevon’s job was to run, if
any trouble ensued, hence he was the ‘runner’.
When Sonya dropped beyond the fence, she waited a moment, hoping Fred
would throw over her purse. But, when she heard the woman challenging Fred,
Sonya took off running. At the end of the alley, Sonya turned away from the
gallery. At the next street corner, Sonya encountered two male youths.
Sonya said, “I need to borrow a phone.”
“Why would such a fine piece of ass need a phone?” replied Tyrel.
Sonya promptly kicked Tyrel in the balls. As Tyrel crumpled to the
sidewalk, Sonya looked at Traevon and said, “You want some of this?”
Traevon’s boss had given Traevon clear instructions, “Fuck Tyrel, protect
the drugs”. Traevon took off running.
Sonya kicked Tyrel in the ribs.
“Damn woman!” said Tyrel.
“Give up your phone, or I’ll kick you in the head, until you’re
Tyrel fished a phone out of his hoodie pocket and held it up.
“Unlock it,” commanded Sonya.
Tyrel directed the phone screen towards his face. The phone unlocked.
Sonya grabbed the phone. She called 911.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“There’s a robbery at the Fisher art gallery, on Century Avenue.”
“Ok, I’m Alice. What’s your name?”
“Are you at the gallery now?”
“No, I escaped. I’m on the corner of First and Walnut.”
“That’s a dangerous place. There’s a drug dealer there.”
“He’s holding his balls and crying for his mommy.”
Alice laughed, then said, “Sorry, I need to go. When you hear the
sirens, go back to the gallery.”
Sonya pulled the phone away from her ear and disconnected.
Tyrel hissed, “Yo bitch! Give me back my phone!”
Sonya dangled the phone by a corner, then released her grip. The phone
dropped straight down, a corner striking the sidewalk.
As Sonya ran away, she heard Tyrel yell, “Cunt! You cracked my screen!”
Sonya knew if she went back to the gallery, the police would hold her too
long. She’d become a witness the police would interview relentlessly. So, she
ran to her car.
A while ago, Sonya managed to lock herself out of her car, when she
stopped to pick up mail. That experience prompted her to buy a ‘hide a key’
box, which was now magnetically stuck inside a wheel well.
had electronic door locks and a push button start, so her ‘key’ was actually a
battery-operated key fob. She prayed the battery in the spare key had some
She worried for naught. The spare key opened the doors and started the
As Sonya drove, she now prayed her brother was home. That was likely,
however. Her brother was a computer hacker, who rarely left his house.
At the door, Micah said, “Hi sis.”
“Can I come in?” asked Sonya.
“Of course.” Micah stepped back, then closed the door, when she was in.
Standing with his back to the door, Micah said, “Wow! You’re wearing a
dress! I didn’t think you even owned a dress.”
“I bought it special for tonight.”
“I haven’t seen your thighs since we were teenagers.”
“Shut up about my stupid thighs. You’re as bad as Fred.”
“Fred is a mega leg-man. Nobody’s as bad as him.”
“Right, you’re probably here about the robbery.”
“You heard about that already?”
“It hit the police scanner like twenty minutes ago. Since then, there’s
been a little online chatter. No official news story, yet.”
“What does the chatter say?”
“Robbers got away clean, taking a male hostage.”
“Oh no! I hope Fred’s ok.”
“Why would it necessarily be Fred?”
“I’ll tell you, but first off, I lost my purse. I need to cancel my credit
“Right, let’s go to my lab. I’ll find you some phone numbers.”
* * *
After the blur of phone calls to various ‘lost card’ emergency numbers,
Sonya related her story.
Micah said, “Wow! I can’t believe you terrorized a drug dealer to get a
“He was also in denial,” replied Sonya.
“Cracking his screen was a tad cuntish, I sort of agree with him on
“He called me a ‘piece of ass’ and a ‘bitch’.”
but he also said you were ‘fine’.”
“Can you track my cell phone?”
“No problem, if it’s not in a Faraday cage.”
“I’ve heard about that. What is it exactly?”
“Basically, it’s a box lined with alternating layers of plastic and tin
foil. Cell towers can’t penetrate that. If it was me, the getaway car would be a
giant SUV hatchback, with the entire hatchback area lined with plastic and tin
foil. You come out of the gallery and toss all the booty in the hatchback area.
Boom, all of the cell phones would be in a Faraday cage. You wouldn’t need to
bother taking out the phone batteries.”
“Well, the bank robber’s sister surely has a cell phone. Can you track
“Good idea. What’s her name?”
* * *
As expected, Micah couldn’t ping Sonya’s cell phone. They then scanned
news stories about the bank robbery trial, looking for a name.
few minutes, Sonya said, “I’ve got it. This article has a sister interview,
done in the courthouse hallway. The sister’s name is Claire Bertrand.”
Reading over Sonya’s shoulder, Micah said, “Apparently, the bank robber
was the best sister a girl could have, really sweet.”
“For such a sweet girl, she really knew how to throw a punch.”
“Tell me about it, I saw Fred’s face.”
“Great, we now know her name. So, we’re all set to find her cell phone
“No, we also need her online handle.”
“You mean like for posting on Twitter and chatting?”
“Yes. Do you know Claire’s handle?”
“I don’t even know your handle.”
“I know yours.”
“It’s ‘Thigh Exhibitionist’.”
“Ok, take a break. I’ve got this.”
Sonya wandered off to take a shower.
Sonya returned to the lab, wearing clothing she scrounged from Micah’s
bedroom, exercise pants and a short-sleeved polo shirt. She would’ve liked
fresh underwear, but of course, Micah didn’t have any female panties, at least
she hoped he didn’t.
Micah said, “I found Claire’s phone number on the dark web. Look at this
chat room thread.”
Sonya nodded. “Two people making plans to meet at a political event and
exchanging cell numbers. Which handle is hers?”
“Gucci Girl 25.”
ran an app, which triangulated cell tower signals. He cross-referenced the GPS
coordinates with a local map.
“Oh-oh,” said Micah.
“Claire is in your condo.”
After reviewing a bank robbery online article, to get the primary
detective’s name, Sonya called the local police precinct.
“I’d like to speak to Detective Tom Gunther,” said Sonya.
Desk Sergeant Mia said, “He’s offsite, working a new case.”
“The art gallery thing?”
Mia sighed. “I’m not supposed to say, but I guess it’s no secret, everybody’s
in on that one. What is this regarding?”
“Tell him Sonya Watford has solid information on the location of a robber.”
“Hold on, I’ll hit him up on his cell, ask if wants to talk to you.”
After a few moments, Tom came on the line. “Hi Sonya. I heard you
escaped from the art gallery.”
“Yes, Fred boosted me over the patio fence.”
“What’s this about knowing the location of a perpetrator?”
“Remember that bank robbery last year?”
“The one involving Fred?”
“Yes. Fred told me he recognized the woman at the art gallery. She’s the
bank robber’s sister.”
“For Fred to remember, I’m guessing the sister has hot legs.”
“Whatever. Anyway, we know she’s holding Fred hostage in my condo,
waiting for me to come home.”
“Ok, help me get a warrant and I’ll send in SWAT.”
“My brother hacked a dark web chat room, to get her cell number. Then,
he used an app to triangulate cell tower signals.”
“Totally illegal. They won’t give me a warrant for that.”
“I’m going in to rescue Fred. Please give me some backup.”
“Ok, here’s what we can do . . .”
Barefoot Sonya turned the key and pushed open her condo’s front door.
Leaving the door open a crack, Sonya walked into a tiny vestibule. Rounding the
edge of a short wall, she turned toward the living room.
Claire and Fred were seated on a wicker couch. Fred was handcuffed, his hands
resting in his lap. Claire’s pistol was pointed at Fred’s head.
Pretending to be surprised by the sight of Claire, Sonya exclaimed, “Fuck
Claire said, “Oh joy, it’s little miss kickboxer. Where’s your trashy
“In the car. These are my running clothes.”
“Let’s party. I have such great expectations.”
expect me to grovel?”
“No honey, I expect you to die.”
Sonya groaned and stepped closer.
Fred said, “Please, let her go. Just kill me. I killed your sister’s
Claire laughed. “The bastard deserved to die. I felt like killing him
“So, what’s your beef with us?”
“My sweet baby sister is in prison and you two put her there.”
“Your sister just wanted revenge on me. Sonya was only there because she
gave me a ride to the bank.”
“Yes, but your slut did all the fighting. You were just a punching bag.”
Moving closer, Sonya said, “Your sister’s tongue would be popular in
prison. Does she service all the dykes?”
Fuming, Claire hissed, “Ok, that’s it. Bye, bye, sugar.” Claire swung
the gun towards Sonya.
Fred yelled, “No!”, and pushed the gun upwards.
Sonya sprinted a few steps, then launched a flying kick, driving both
feet into Claire’s face. The blow toppled the light wicker couch backwards.
Fred and Claire spilled over the top, landing intertwined.
Despite the kick and tumble, Claire still held the gun. As Sonya rolled
out of her kick, Claire hoped for a shot at the illusive slut.
Claire’s party dress had ridden up, revealing a knife sheath, strapped
to her thigh. After pulling the knife, Fred quickly stabbed Claire’s thigh. The
knife sliced the top muscle lengthwise, down towards the knee.
Screaming, Claire bashed the gun barrel across Fred’s temple. Fred was
Sonya twisted Claire’s wrist. Needles of pain tore through the wrist and
hand. Claire dropped the gun.
The women wrestled on the floor. Sonya transitioned into an armbar. With
a foot in Claire’s armpit, Sonya pulled on the arm.
Claire tried to bridge out of the armbar, but she was hampered by her
bleeding leg. Fred swept Claire’s good leg, sending her flat on her back again.
Tom entered the condo. Fred was standing near two fighting women. A gun and a
knife were on the floor, in a far corner.
Walking toward Fred, Tom said, “Hey Fred, I heard you were kidnapped.”
“Yes, the kidnaper brought me here. Then, Sonya came home and kicked her
“What happened to her leg?”
“Stabbed with her own knife.”
“Ouch. Here, let me get those.”
Tom produced a small key and removed Fred’s handcuffs.
“Thanks,” said Fred.
Nodding towards the women, Tom asked, “Should I separate them now?”
Holding up a hand, Fred said, “Wait a sec.”
Leaning over and looking down at Claire, Fred sweetly asked, “Darling, what
was that you said, about my girl being a slut?”
“She takes it up the ass every day,” taunted Claire, “from AIDS infected
men, with puss oozing from skin ulcers.”
As that image sunk in, everybody paused a moment.
Sonya growled and twisted her foe’s arm. Claire gave a yelp and
contorted her body to lessen the pain.
“I love a good cat fight,” remarked Tom.
“You and Elvis,” replied Fred.
Leaving Claire in Sonya’s armbar, Tom used his radio to call for two patrol
cars, specifying one responder needed to be female.
The police officers soon arrived. As a young female officer took Claire
into custody, a crusty male Sergeant said to Tom, “Civilian women making your
Tom sighed and said, “I suppose I’ll be razzed about this.”
“Count on it.”
Tom would later say he went to Sonya’s condo
to get her witness statement about the art gallery robbery. When he got there,
he heard the sounds of a struggle and the front door was ajar. This allowed Tom
to enter legally, without a warrant.
The art gallery robbery getaway driver would
later trade a Rolex watch for an ounce of cocaine. Unfortunately, the drug
dealer was a DEA agent. This led to the arrest of the other perpetrators and
the recovery of the swag.
After the police took Claire away, Sonya and Fred were lounging in bed.
Sonya said, “There’ll be no more public displays of my thighs.”
“I don’t care,” replied Fred. “I’m switching to breasts.”
“Yep, bring on the double-Ds. I’m a breast man, from now on.”
“Right, and I suddenly grew a pair of balls.”
After some touching, Fred said, “I can’t confirm that.”
“Don’t stop,” moaned Sonya.
Darryl Hicks is from
Minnesota. Anya, his charming wife of 23 years, is from Ukraine. They have an
orange male cat, who they mostly call Dude, although that’s not his actual
name. They live in a cozy condo, in the Atlanta suburbs. He’s a Programmer, but
he doesn’t code video games.
He has self-published seven
eBooks on Smashwords; five of those were short stories.
If Charles Addams, Edgar Allan Poe, and Willy
Wonka sired a bastard child it would be the fat asthmatic by the name of Michael D. Davis. He has been called warped by dear friends and a freak by passing
strangers. Michael started drawing cartoons when he was ten, and his skill has improved
with his humor, which isn’t saying much. He is for the most part self-taught, only
ever crediting the help of one great high school art teacher. His art has been shown at
his local library for multiple years only during October due to its macabre nature. If
you want to see more of Michael’s strange, odd, weird, cartoons you can follow him
on Instagram at mad_hatters_mania.