The War Inside Me
Conrad
Majors
1945. The war was
over. In Europe, at least. Philadelphia was still burning. Junk dealers seemed
to lob bigger and more explosive atomic bombs of addiction every night. The
pimps invaded our street corners better than we ever could at Normandy. The
mayor couldn’t have cared less, he was still in the era of appeasement, letting
little Hitlers run through the night armed with baseball bats and tire irons.
Some said it beat the krauts with machine guns. I never did. I almost wished I
never left the war. In some ways I hadn’t.
She came to me one
night like an ambush: suddenly. Ya see, I’d been out the office for some time
now. I was hanging out with Kirby, like I always did on Friday nights. We’d
been bunkmates in Fort Bragg. Now we were drinking down at Frank’s, nursing our
wounds from the week. The night was young, my pack of cigarettes was full, her
heels were on fire.
“Sam, Oh, Sam! Oh,
thank God, I found you! Sam, it’s my brother, he’s been- been…”
Me and Kirby were
taken aback. Her red fingernails were sandwiched between peanuts and cold beer.
We would have told her to get lost if it hadn’t been for that short black skirt
she was wearing.
Kirby was the
first one to speak, as he always was.
“Just who the hell
are you, lady?” His pudgy face japing and jawing in the box fan wind.
“Oh, Sam! You
don’t remember me?” She had an air of seduction, but even in those early hours of
the night I could smell the vinegar bubbling in her chest when she spoke to me.
“Can’t say I
do,
girly. I would remember a body like that.” It was a stupid remark. If it was
any later, I would have tried to blame it on the booze. I won’t lie to ya like
that. It had been lonely in that first year after the war. Tried to suppress it
at Frank’s as much as I could. Became a joke around the neighborhood that the dirty
place was my real office. That’s probably how she found me. Sticking her nose
into local gossip.
“What do you want
with Sam? Can’t you see the man is bu-”
“Can it, Kirby,
let the little girl speak.” I struck a match, pretending to be the tough guy I
always hid behind. She wasn’t that little, maybe only five years younger than
me. “What’s on your mind, kid? Something about a brother?” I mouthed through cigarette.
“Yes, yes. He’s
been, well, it’s terrible.”
“I know all about
terrible, kid.” This is how the men in the pictures talked to girls back then. I
swallowed it wholesale. Kirby always busted my balls about it. I gave him a
good glance to keep quiet while she was still there. That’s the sorta thing
guys used to do when they weren’t chasing women; ragging on each other about
how well the other guy did it.
“Oh, I know you do,”
she muttered. Now the pot of vinegar in her chest was boiling. The lid flew off
for split, but she quickly threw it back on.
“You know the
culprit?” I asked stupidly. Took a big swig like a cowboy. Kirby wasn’t excited.
He never liked it when I dragged him into my line of work. His eyes would glow big,
and he’d get scared like an idiot. I
could almost smell the piss swirling in his pants when she replied.
“Oh, yes, I very
much do.” She stared at me for a moment before she could bring herself to say
the next line: “Gangsters.”
“Oh, yea?” I
looked back over at my former bunkmate. He was pleading with me now. The jowls on
his cheeks started whimpering. His eyes got big and stupid-like. I knew what he
was thinking. “Please Sam, not tonight. Handle this tomorrow when I’m far away
from you and the storm which follows.” I still don’t feel bad for bringing him
into it. I mean, how did I know he was gonna get shot?
“Well, I got bad
news for you dear; I mostly deal with divorce cases. However, we can do
gangsters… for the right price.” Kirby went for his coat. He threw it around
his shoulders thinking he was slick.
“I’m outta here,
Sam.”
Before he could
get his fat little arms into the thing, I lost my temper. “Sit your ass
back down, Kirby!” The little table
wobbled when I slammed my fist into it.
“C’mon, Sam.”
He
said, standing like a dog in a doorway.
“Aww, C’mon
Sam” I
mocked. He was always a chicken-shit. “Sit back down. Let’s help the little
girl.”
“Damnit, Sam.”
“Enough outta
you!” I twisted my head towards her. “Like I said: we’ll do anything for the
right price.”
“Well, Sam…”
The
she-devil came close. She put her hand on my chest. I swigged more beer,
pretending it didn’t excite me too much. I was a damn insect in her spider-web.
Playing with my tie, she told me how she could pay me. Like an idiot I
accepted.
“Aww Jesus, I
thought you were better than that, Sam!”
With the she-devil
sitting on my lap, I told Kirby to shut it. Well, what happened next you can
imagine. I can’t say anymore on the matter. I know I said I wouldn’t lie to ya,
but I’m still a Christian at heart, and there’s some things you just don’t talk
about. We came back from the bathroom to Kirby’s stupid face pounding as many
as he could before we left.
He went something
like “Aww geeezz, Sam, why yew gotta do sometin like t-ha-ha-at?”
The girl told us
the bastards were held up in a flophouse on 50th between Market and Chestnut.
Once we got there, I told her to wait outside.
“These kinda dumps
ain’t no place for a girl like you.”
I used to try my
hardest to say things like that to make em think I was a gentleman. Another
trick to lure the girls into my line of trust. It was all horseshit. Made me
sound tough. I really thought she believed it when she asked for my gun in case
any animals came out of their poverty- infested zoo.
“Oh, my goodness,
please
Sam please! They’re disgusting! I never thought humans could succumb to this
level of depravity! I need something to protect myself!”
“Yea, yea,
alright. I got a backup one in the glovebox. Lock the door.”
In truth, these places were no different from
the streets outside. Lonely men trapped in little rooms with no American dream
left to believe in. I was no different. I just had a slightly bigger room to go
crazy in. She’d seen much worse. Bodies lying in the dirt. Buildings blown to
smithereens. I was the one in over my head. Of course, I wasn’t any the wiser.
I kicked down the
apartment door expecting John Dillinger. Instead, I saw nothing but bleak
furniture. I pulled out my six-round-revolver while I checked for clues. Kirby
was still standing in the hallway shitting himself.
“Get in there,
fatso.”
“S-am-am, I’ve
had
e-e-enough.”
I pulled him in
the room by his tie. “Shut up and the check the closet while I-”
Like that he was
gone. Shattered glass from the window. His body lying on a roach infested
carpet. In the closet I found a dock worker’s jacket. Wasn’t much, but it was
all I got.
“Kirby’s dead,
we
gotta get down to the pier.” I told her as I slid into the car. Still cranking
that cowboy act like idiot. She was calm, too calm. I told myself it was all
the shock she was in. Stupidly assuming this was the most action she’d ever
seen. But I could tell something was wrong. Tried to tell myself her behavior
was normal. It didn’t work. I fumbled for cigarettes. Lit square after square.
She just sat there.
The streetlights,
the cars, the mannequins that walk down our streets; it was all a big mess in
my windshield. Around the tenth square I stopped trying to make sense of any of
it. Just like war. The thing that really bugged me though was the way the car
door opened without a key.
I don’t even
remember how we got to the pier. All I remember is cutting the headlights in a
little patch of woods bout a block away.
“So, tell me a
little about these guys?”
“They killed my
brother. They’re veterans.”
“Veterans?”
I
asked stupidly.
“Yea. Veterans
killed my brother.”
“I’m a veteran
yaknow, kid.”
“Yea I know.”
She
was still as a statue. So still, it hurt my heart. Then, she looked over at me.
I finally felt at ease.
“Oh, I’m sorry
for
my odd behavior. It’s just been a lot. I mean first my brother, now your
partner.”
“He wasn’t my
partner kid.”
“Well, what I mean
to say, oh it just feels like the walls are closing in on me. On us.” She put
her arms around me and into my coat. Kissed me good to seal the deal. I was a
sucker alright. She gripped the back of my head. Put that seduction back into
her eyes. “Don’t let them ruin us Sam. We deserve Justice and freedom. Not to
be cut up like dogs in the street.”
She had me on
marionette strings. I slammed the car door hoping for hell.
I lit another
square, God my mouth ached. I pulled out my flask I hid in my coat and numbed it
with a couple shots of bourbon. Now my gun was burning a hole in my rib cage. “I
mean where do these people get off, pretending to be veterans?” I thought while
I stalked em from the trees.
They saw me
immediately. Before I could make out any faces, I was hanging by my arms. They
took me down to the end of pier. Put me in front of the head- honcho.
“Sam? Oh jeez,
Sam! You scared me. The hell are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’re shooting
this junk too.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. “Put him down boys.” They did as
they were told. There were two of em on either side of me.
“Lamont?” I
asked knowing
the answer. He had been the machine gunner in my squad. All around him were
piles and piles of God knows what. Whatever it was it made my blood boil seeing
it next to him. They had a car right where the wood met the water. One of the
thugs thought it was a good idea to flare its headlights on me. Lamont stood
between the beams.
“I thought you-”
“You thought wrong.
Just when I think this night couldn’t get worse. I find you making a mockery of
us.”
“I beg your pardon?
You can get outta here if you-”
“I aint going
nowhere. I came here for some justice.”
“Alright Sam, you
were always a high and mighty righteous bastard. I got a kid to feed. Get
lost.” He turned his back to me. Now I really let him have it.
“Somebody’s
gotta
have morals around here. Killing innocent people. You outa be ashamed.”
He didn’t turn
around. He’d always been a coward. “That’s rich coming from you. I know what
you did back there. Everyone does. You never fooled anybody.”
“Shut your mouth!”
I screamed. Now he was just hawking lies. I wanted to grab him by his neck and
wring him out. Instead, I just kept yapping. “You were always scum.”
“Sam, we’re
all
doing this. Just get outta here before I ha-”
“Bullshit! I’m
not
pushing this shit! And I never have!”
I heard the beat
of a revolver click. Everything changed in a second. Now the krauts were all
around me again. Imprisoned in a jungle of bayonets and polish snow I slugged
the first face I saw. One of the thugs hit the water so hard he never came back
up for air. I pulled my gun outta my ribcage quick and blasted the other three
to hell. It was now just me and the nazi general that wore Lamount’s face. He
grabbed me before I could think. We hit the floor. My gun fell to my side. The beams
from the car engulfed us.
“Damn it, Sam, you
ruined everything!” His starved wolf eyes ate me whole. We wrapped around each other
like mating snakes.
“Why ya do it?!?”
He had me pinned. I didn’t care. My lips were wet with blood. I couldn’t tell
whose. “What was she mixed up with huh?! Drugs!?! Late on a payment!? Feeding
kids my ass! Why’d ya kill her brother?!?!”
He gripped me
close and threw me back down. “What the hell are you talking about?!?”
“The girl,”
my eye
beaded from side to side, “You killed somebody’s brother.”
“What girl, I
never killed nobody. Not even in the war. You know that Sam.” The scumbag was
right; he hadn’t. He took a step back. “You stormed down here and shot the
place up over a girl?” Confusion strangled him. Made his eyes go white. I got to
my feet. Slugged more bourbon to show him his words didn’t scare the shit outta
me like they did. I wiped the blood from my lips.
“You should have
killed me.” I stuttered. The words came outta me without any warning. I
snatched the gun from the floor.
“The war’s over
Sam.”
“No, it’s not.”
He fell to his
knees. “Sam… please.”
“The war will be
never over.” I put the gun to his forehead. “People like you should have died
back there for this country.”
“Sam.” Now he
started crying like a baby.
“Instead, you came
home to kill it from within.” You can imagine what happened next. It was a
cruel act. Took two bullets. I thought if I killed him, I’d kill the thoughts he
made me feel. Didn’t work. From then on whenever I saw my own uniform, all I could
think about was Lamount and his thugs down at the pier. Destroyed what pride I
had left in the thing. It was the only pride I’d ever felt. Now it’s just a rag
they’ll bury me in.
I marched back to
the car, defeated. I could feel the snow crawling back into my boots, as I
drowned myself in more whiskey. When I got to the machine, she was gone.
“Whatever,” I thought. I’d had enough. Girl or no girl, I was gonna go home and
drink myself blind. “A few hours of oblivion is all I need to forget everything,”
I told myself. Then she put cold steel to my temple.
“Get in the
fuckin’ car” She whispered in my ear. I did as she told.
“Where are we
going?” Was the last thing I said before she knocked me out with the butt of my
own gun. I awoke in darkness.
“Get up you
monster.” She was standing over me. Still in that short skirt. I saw the devil in
her eyes. Beside her was a gasoline canister. I didn’t recognize the room we
were in. At one point it had been an all-American living room. High ceiling.
Nice couch. Radio all the kids had sat around after dinner. Now it smelled of animal
shit and had roaches fighting over sections of the carpet. I laid in the middle
of the floor right on an antique rug coated in decades of dirt. I tried to get
to my feet. While I was out, she must have broken my legs. I could barely crawl.
Even in my most desperate hour I tried to act tough.
“What’s the
angle
kid?”
“Cut the act.”
I
got a belly full of her high heel. “You still don’t remember me?!”
Gripping my stomach
and laying on my back, I did as she told. “Just what am I supposed to remember you
from?” I coughed out.
“Poland.” My
blood
turned to ice. “You killed my brother.”
“I was just
following orders.” She splashed gasoline in my face.
“Orders from the
enemy.” She started pouring the vile stuff around the perimeter of the room.
“Anyone would have
done the same. You don’t understand anything about war.” My heart started
racing. “I was trapped behind enemy lines!”
“You committed war
crimes me and my family on September 2nd, 1944.” Here they went with
the lies again. “You beheaded my brother to show allegiance to your captors.”
“I would have been
thrown into a POW camp!”
“You defected to
the enemy rather than spend a few days in a prison camp. The Americans
liberated my village only five days after you killed him. You flipped back,
thinking nobody would ever catch you.” She struck a match. “You’ve met me
before.” Her eyes stabbed me in the light of the flame. “Like you did in the
bathroom.” It was all horse shit. I’d never seen her in my life. “I’ve called
the fire department; they should be here in exactly five minutes. Just enough time
before this house collapses in on itself.” She dropped the match onto the ring
of gasoline. Flames erupted. Like a banshee, she was gone. I laid there in the
burning mess.
I put my gun to
the bottom of my chin. It dry-fired against my throat. Three bullets in the
thugs. Two in Lamont. I should have had one left for myself. That’s when I
realized she’d switched the guns on me back at the pier. It was a smart move.
She knew cops didn’t give a shit about scum like Lamont. Kirby was a different
story. Before I could crawl into the fire to end it all, I had handcuffs around
my wrists. They gave me a life sentence, but this was the final kicker. Back in
the bathroom she had given me something I could never get rid of. The doctors
in here said it was incurable. Left untreated it could drive you mad. By the
time they figured out what it was, they told me it was too late.
The war’s still
not over. Even in this concrete box I’m still fighting. Fighting for my name,
fighting for my sanity, fighting for this country, people like Lamont and the
mayor are trying to destroy and the animals in the flophouse are in the
trenches of. I never did what they said. I never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve
it.
You believe me, right kid?
