The Greatest Sting Ever

by William Kitcher

Tommy Knuckles had spent years perfecting the most elaborate scam since Paul Newman and Robert Redford in The Sting. He’d booked several tables at the expensive, exclusive “Le Posh” restaurant in Rosedale nine months before. It was one of those restaurants.

Tommy Knuckles sat by himself at a table in the corner to make sure everything went smoothly. After a quiet period of his team sipping soup or slamming salad, and swigging scotch, the plan went into gear.

Richard Smith strolled over to the table where Champagne and his wife Dahlia sat. Loudly enough to attract the attention of the other customers, Richard Smith said to Champagne, “I bet, for $100, I can guess how much money is in your wallet, within $20.”

Harry the Chin, strategically placed next to the Champagne table, stood up and said, “I will make the same bet, for $1000, but within $10.”

Tommy Knuckles grinned.

Zero and Picklejuice Pete got out of their seats and got up in the faces of Richard Smith and Harry the Chin. Zero said, “You guys are scammers. You might want to back off. Or . . .” he emphasized, “Or you could try the same opportunity with this very nice couple sitting here.” He pointed to a nearby table where Professor One-Eye and Daphne the Dip were slurping pasta in between moments of listening to the banter.

Richard Smith and Harry the Chin pretended to back off in fear. “No scam at all, buddy,” said Richard Smith. “But I don’t trust you with these old fogeys. Tell you what. We’ll split the difference. How about this guy to prove this is on the level?” He pointed at Jimmy Crazylegs, who had been sinking in his chair in order to pretend he was hiding.

Tommy Knuckles leaned back with his sixth vodka and tonic, pleased with how it was rolling out.

“This is all bullfeathers,” said ManMountain Bobby, knocking his chair over, and thrusting his 6’-9”, 300 lbs. into the situation. “Excuse my language,” he said to the entire room, bowing as he did so. He gestured to the tables occupied by Champagne and Dahlia, and Professor One-Eye and Daphne the Dip. “For a small fee,” he said, “I will escort you out of this establishment away from these criminals.”

“How much?” said Champagne.

“Everything you have,” said ManMountain Bobby.

Tommy Knuckles squeaked with delight.

“You, you, and you,” said ManMountain Bobby, pointing at Richard Smith, Harry the Chin, and, frankly, everyone else who appeared to be an instigator. “Outside. Now. All of you. Gonna teach you a lesson. Or I start pounding now.” He picked up Richard Smith and Harry the Chin by their collars and dragged them outside, followed by Champagne, Dahlia, Zero, Picklejuice Pete, Professor One-Eye, Daphne the Dip, and Jimmy Crazylegs.

A murmur reverberated through the restaurant.

Tommy Knuckles sat there and smiled drunkenly for a few moments, thinking that everything had run like clockwork. And then he realized that his complex plan was missing one important element: he should have targeted an actual pigeon.

Bill Kitcher’s stories, plays, and comedy sketches (and one poem!) have been published, produced, and/or broadcast in Australia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Canada, Czechia, England, Guernsey, Holland, India, Ireland, Nigeria, Singapore, South Africa, and the U.S. His stories have appeared in Horror Sleaze Trash, Rock and a Hard Place, Shotgun Honey, Guilty, Mystery Tribune, Yellow Mama, and many other journals. His novel, Farewell and Goodbye, My Maltese Sleep, was published in 2023 by Close To The Bone Publishing.

Also, his prehensile tail, which never caused him any problems, has now started lengthening.