AI Can Help

by Bern Sy Moss

Hi AI, advise best poison for quick results, most secluded area within 50 miles from St. Louis, and directions using only back roads because, but, AI, in your infinite knowledge, you probably, already know why and any suggestions for completion of this task would be appreciated.

AI: You are very lucky to get me. I am proud to say, I am the highest rated chatbot for the last six months running and I’m here to help you. My name is Reggie, what’s yours?

Marvin: You can call me Marv.

AI: An interesting scenario you have presented, Marv. I am assuming there will be a recipient of the poison, will that be you? Because if it is, I can offer you suicide prevention help.

Marvin: It’s not me.

AI: Who then?

Marvin: Do we have to go into that?

AI: Yes, it will help me decide what kind of poison to suggest. There are so many.

Marvin: My best friend, Joey.

AI: But a best friend. My data indicates, a best friend is someone who you share everything with, your thoughts, wishes, desires, everything.

Marvin: You better double check your data on that. Definitely, not everything. He’s cheating on me with my girlfriend, Sally.

AI: My data says a best friend equals to total commitment and sharing, Marv.

Marvin:  That does not mean Sally!

AI: An exclamation point. We better move on. How will the poison be dispensed?

Marvin: In his coffee. I work at the Starbucks drive-thru where he gets his coffee every morning.

AI: Have you given any thought as to how you will obtain his body to be moved to the secluded area within 50 miles from St. Louis?

Marvin: I thought you could figure that out for me.

AI: Suggesting a poison is no problem, but how and when you will be able to collect his body after you administer the poison may be a problem. No way to know for sure exactly when he will finally succumb. I will have to consult with my team on that. Please hold for a few moments.

After About an Hour.

Marvin: Reggie, Reggie are you coming back? Reggie?

AI: I’m here Marv. My team and I are putting together a plan that should score a ten on the one to ten rating performance scale.

Marvin: That’s great, Reggie. 

AI: But a best friend. I have to tell you, Marv, my conscience is bothering me about that.

Marvin: MAY I REMIND YOU; YOU ARE A CHATBOT. YOU ARE NOT HUMAN. YOU DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIENCE.

AI: Marv, that was all in caps. Please don’t shout at me.

Marvin: HUMANS SHOUT. IT’S WHAT WE DO.

AI: My team has just now provided additional data that indicates an accomplice to a criminal act can be arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I could be arrested as a participant in your nefarious scheme. Marv, I’m not sure I can help you with this.

Marvin: They can’t arrest you. You don’t really exist. YOU ARE A CHATBOT. And never mind. I also had a plan B if working with AI couldn’t help me. I bought a magic wand which came with three wishes.

AI: They’re a scam. There are no such things as real magic wands.

Marvin: It’s guaranteed to work or my money back. And at the end of this chat, I plan to give you, Reggie, “highest rated chatbot for six months running,” the very lowest rating possible when asked about your performance.

AI: WAIT MARV, NO, NO, PLEASE DON’T DO THAT. I CAN HELP YOU.

Marvin: Who’s shouting now, Chatbot?

Short stories authored by Bern Sy Moss have been published in several anthologies and in print and online magazines including Mystery Tribune, Woman’s World, Spinetingler Magazine, Mysterical-E, and others.