Midnight Munchies

by

Amy Grech

Tyler: I’ve got the Midnight Munchies.

Josh: So eat something . . .

Tyler: I already ate all of the perishables.

Josh: Perishables??

Tyler: Milk, cold cuts, cheese, fruit, and vegetables.

Josh: You must be hungry.

Tyler: You have no idea.

I had to choke down uncooked baked beans.

Josh: Nasty!

Tyler: Jasmine’s gone.

Josh: Where did she go?

Tyler: She fell on her way down to the basement.

Josh: Is she OK?

Tyler: Not really.

The heel of her shoe got caught when she ran downstairs.

When Jasmine tumbled to the bottom of the stairs,

she broke her neck.

Josh: Tough break. Why the rush?

Tyler: We were scrambling to take cover before the incident.

Josh: What incident?

Tyler: You know — the Cubans dropped an atomic bomb 72 hours ago.

Josh: Right.

3 minutes later:

Josh: Is there anything you can do for her?

Tyler: Jasmine’s dead.

Josh: Yikes!

Tyler: She’s been laid to rest.

Josh: May she rest in pieces.

Tyler: Not cool, bro.

Josh: My bad.

Tyler: We were together for 2 years.

Almost an eternity. . . .

Josh: No doubt. Where??

Tyler: The walk-in freezer is her final resting place.

She’ll keep nicely.

Josh: Why is there a walk-in freezer in the basement?

Tyler: My Dad is a Chef.

Josh: That makes sense.

The power is out.

Tyler: There’s a propane-powered backup generator.
Josh: Yeah. I could sure use one of those right about now.

I’m in the basement now.

Tyler: Good. Where are your parents?

Josh: They’re out of town for the weekend.

Tyler: Where did they go?

Josh: California.

Tyler: Sorry, bro. They probably got incinerated in the blast.

Josh: I know. Where are your parents?

Tyler: They didn’t make it down basement in time.

They got caught in the moment.

Josh: That’s rough.

Tyler: Ironic. My Dad the Chef burned to a crisp.

My Mom, too.

Momentary silence.

Josh: Do you have everything you need?

Tyler: I think so: Several gallon jugs of water.

Josh: Check.

Tyler: A kerosene lantern from the mall.

What have you got to eat?

Josh: Turkey Jerky and some Kind Bars.

Tyler: What Kind are they?

Josh: The Kind Bars?

Tyler: Got it.

Josh: Does it matter?

Tyler: I guess not. Do you have light?

Josh: I’ve got a bunch of flashlights.

Tyler: I have a set of my Dad’s chef's knives.

Josh: What for?

Tyler: There’s no telling what survived.

Do you know what radiation may have done

to the neighborhood dogs and cats?

Josh: I have no idea.

Tyler: The ones that survived are probably rabid and famished.

I’ll use the knives to defend myself, if I have to.

Josh: Did you block the windows?

Tyler: I covered them with plywood.

Josh: Smart.

Tyler: I’m resourceful. My Dad taught me that.

Josh: Respect.

5 minutes later:

Tyler: I’ve been consumed by Jasmine’s passion.

Josh: All the feels.

Tyler: Jasmine has been consumed by my hunger.

Josh: OMG!

Tyler: She wanted it that way. Trust me.

Josh: Classy.

Tyler licks his lips.

Tyler: It brings us together, body and soul...

Josh: What??

Tyler: With a heavy heart, I slice pale pink meat

into translucent strips with a chef’s knife.

Josh: Seriously?

Tyler: My tears run down Jasmine’s cheeks

as I gently place them down on a dish of

delicate, fine Bone China with pale, pink roses. 

Josh: Bro, no words.

Tyler: I chew every morsel slowly, relishing the poignant

flavor of my last meal, fresh off the bone.

Josh: Who says it’s your last meal?

Tyler: I’m tapped out—there’s nothing left.

Tyler wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

Josh: Whoa! That’s dark.

Tyler: Just being honest.

Jasmine’s thighs are a bounty of the sweetest meat I’ve ever tasted.

Josh: I can’t believe you ate Jasmine!

Tyler: Desperate times . . . I’m not finished with her, yet.

Josh: Bro?!

Tyler: I’ve already devoured the succulent meat on her rump, arms,

breasts, lower legs, toes, and fingers.

Now I have a newfound respect for finger food.

Josh: Did you put a ring on it?

Tyler: I did. Wanted to tell you, before

all of this happened.

I kept the diamond engagement ring as a memento.

Josh: Word.

Tyler: A girlfriend is a terrible thing to waste.

Josh: Just deserts.

10 minutes later:

Josh: I miss the comforts of home.

Tyler: You’re such a Mama’s Boy.

Josh: Bro, that’s cold.

Tyler: Just Joshing.

Tyler: [smile emoji]

Josh: [eye roll emoji]

Tyler: I miss the sun.

Josh: [sunglasses emoji]

Tyler: I miss Netflix.

Josh: [popcorn emoji]

Josh: I miss my parents.

Tyler: Ditto.

Josh: I can hear some critters outside, near the basement.

Tyler: Uh-oh.

Josh: They’re yowling and growling. It sounds really bad.

Tyler: Did you cover the windows?

Josh: Just with duct tape—I hope it keeps them outside.

Tyler: [fingers crossed emoji]

5 minutes later:

Tyler: Something just chewed through the plywood!

It’s in the basement!

Josh: That’s not good, bro.

Is it a cat or a dog??

Tyler: Hard to tell. It’s yowling and it’s headed straight for me!

Tyler snaps a picture with his smartphone.

He takes a quick look.

Tyler: No, that’s my cat, Smoky.

Josh: How can you be sure?

He sends Josh a picture of his cat.

Tyler: You can see the name tag on his red collar.

Josh: Yeah. I can barely make it out.

Tyler: Smokey doesn’t look the same.

Josh: Poor little guy. His fur is caked with blood.

Tyler: And he’s drooling.

Josh: He looks very hungry . . .

Smoky hisses loudly.

Tyler is trembling.

Josh: Grab a knife!

Tyler: Already on it.

Tyler lunges for a chef’s knife on the butcher block.   

It slips from his fingers before he can get a handle on it

and clatters on the cold concrete.

Smoky pounces on Tyler, claws out, teeth bared,

frothing at the mouth.

Tyler: I dropped the knife. I—

Josh: Tyler??