Home Movies
Christopher Hivner
Sit down everyone,
I'm starting the
video.
Everyone
comfortable?
Good.
So the video
starts
right at the
action
because dad was
late.
There are my
mother's spread legs,
nice shot dad,
great camera work,
anyway as you can
see
mom is exhausted
because I'm having
trouble
slipping out.
There, she's
pushing again
and yes
she just called my
father
an asshole and a
fucknut.
Now, here is where
you first see my
head.
Yes, Jerry, it is
very large,
and
misshapen,
thank you for
pointing it out,
now please shut
up.
Mom gives one last
push
and I pop out
into the doctor's
hands.
As you can see by
the look on his face
he's horrified by
the red lumps on
my skin,
the superfluous
tongue
growing from my
upper lip,
the one-nostriled
nose,
and my shlong
that he initially
thought
was the umbilical
cord.
After he cuts the
real cord
I catch a glimpse
of myself
in a mirror
and realize
immediately I am grotesque
which pisses me
off.
I mean, I'm a
minute old
and already know
that life
is going to shit
on me
like a
thundercloud
of diarrhea.
Oh, yes, here is
where I leap
from the doctor's
arms
onto my mother.
Of course I
couldn't talk yet
but internally I
was screaming
"Did you fuck
a badger? What happened to me?"
My hands were
tiny
but I did some
real damage
to her face before
the doctor
pulled me off.
That's when I saw
my idiot father.
Dear old dad
was still filming
while yelling
"Holy shit
what is it?"
What is it?
I'm your son you
piece of . . .
Jerry, get off of
me,
I know I'm upset
but you're not
helping.
I'm fine, I'm
fine,
just watch the
video.
It gets shaky here
because I've slid
down
the doctor's leg
and grabbed
onto my dad's
balls.
That's him
screaming.
Annnnnd there goes
the camera
onto the
floor.
What you’re seeing
now is the far wall
of the room.
Both parents are
bellowing
while the doctor
tries in vain
to scoop me up.
Eventually a nurse
sedated me
but not before I made
sure
dad wouldn’t have
any more children.
That’s the story
of my birth
which was
traumatic,
but today the ugly
duckling
has become a swan.
Yes Jerry, I mean
I grew up
to be beautiful,
you asshole.
*****
