The Yellow Room

THE YELLOW ROOM

by Bernice Holtzman

Emily Norris sat on the large sofa and studied the pattern of the wallpaper in the room. It consisted of alternating white and orange stripes on a sunny yellow background. Yellow, she decided, would be a good color for the baby's room. It was a safe choice, for even though she was sure she would have a girl, she had to be practical in case her baby turned out to be a Michael instead of a Michelle.

She smiled when she thought about that. Be practical. That had always been David's advice to her whenever she had a decision to make. That was his philosophy, his nature, his lifestyle.

Emily, on the other hand, was impulsive. When she thought about her decisions--and she always did give them a great deal of thought, mostly in the form of justifying them to herself--it was usually after they had already been made, and she had begun to act on them. Young, impulsive Emily and careful, practical, mature David. How well they complemented each other, she thought.

She thought about the two of them for a moment, and then about the baby. She would be a lucky child to have both her parents. Emily's own father had died before she was old enough to remember him. There were not even many pictures. Her mother had tried hard to be a good mother, but Emily had always felt different from the other children when she was growing up. Coming home from school to a babysitter, or to an empty house when she was older, wasn't the same as coming home to her mother in the kitchen, or even to a note saying she had gone shopping.

Emily rubbed her stomach protectively. I'll be a good mother, Michelle. I won't be like mothers who pay strangers to take care of their children because they want a career. I want to take care of you myself. I'll be there when you get home from school.

Emily wondered what it would have been like if her mother had been the one to die. Would her life have been any different? Would she have been less lonely for a man? Or would it have been just as lonely in a different way?

David had taken away her loneliness and filled the emptiness in her with his love. He had been so gentle, made her feel like a woman, beautiful and protected, something boys her age couldn't do. How could they protect her when they were so young and irresponsible themselves? Not like David, who was so sensible and who tried to teach her to be sensible, too.

She never reminded him that a really sensible girl would never have gotten involved with a married man, and a sensible married man would never have allowed it to happen.

David mentioned his wife to Emily sometimes. He never spoke of her with emotion, but when he talked about his two little boys there was something in his eyes that made Emily jealous. Not jealous of his love for them, but rather of their love for him. She was hurt that they could love him and not her, not even know her. It seemed unfair that something so important of his was not also hers.

What if her baby were a boy? Would he look like David, be like him? Would David love their baby as much as he loved his other children? Of course he would. It was theirs, conceived in love. Emily felt her eyes burn and water start to fill up in them.

We can't see each other anymore, Emily. If the wrong people found out about you, about your.... If my wife found out.... Please understand. I never wanted this to happen. Naturally, I'll do everything I can to help you. It has nothing to do with love. I have to be practical.

A tear spilled onto Emily's cheek and rolled down her face. It doesn't matter, she thought. It doesn't matter if he takes his love away from us. It was my love that filled me, not his. He can walk away, but he gave me something that will always be his, always be mine. He gave me you, my baby. He was a dream, but you're real.

The tears fell onto Emily's stomach, and as she watched them fall she thought she heard the baby's heart beating. The sound got louder and louder. It was coming from outside her, not inside. She realized it was the sound of footsteps. Emily looked up.

The door to the abortion clinic opened and a nurse appeared in the yellow waiting room.

"Miss Norris? The doctor is ready for you now."