THE ANXIETY TREE

Paul Radcliffe

Once, long ago, in an old, old hospital far, far away, there was a long, long corridor. People would walk down that corridor all day long.  Walk, walk, walk they went. On the walls of that corridor there were paintings of characters from what were once called fairy tales. They were times of great insensitivity, it need hardly be added. They had been on that long green wall for many years, and the artist had thought they would cheer up the poor, poor children who were sick and who had to stay in the hospital. Once upon a time these paintings had hung in a ward especially for children. The fairy tales were from centuries ago, and some of the paintings  were quite dusty and the hospital administrators-who were busy, busy all day long-looked at them. They thought they were sending the wrong message to the sick children who were coming to the organisation. Once upon a time the building had been a hospital, and not an organisation. The word carried negative connotations, as did the terms ‘sick’ and ‘ill’ and ‘injured.’ After long discussions, it was decided to retain the word ‘hospital’ in the title of the building, but in all official documentation it was to be jointly termed the  Wellness Hub. The Hub would be like the Sun, and the wards would be named after the planets, revolving around it and the glow would bathe the patients and foster positivity and wellness. At first this met with some resistance, but any negativity was to be firmly dismissed and the staff member humanely  beheaded by the newly appointed Hospital Executioner (‘I am looking forward to the challenges that this exciting new role brings with it’  said the anonymous appointee, in a shout out to her new colleagues in Human Resources.) No behaviour was bad, only ‘challenging,’ and the patients would become clients (as if they had made a choice, for example, in selecting their particular health challenge in the Malignancy Supermarket.) While all this was going on, everyone was very busy, making suggestions for a new corporate logo and commissioning new Mission Statements from the clients in what had been the Forensics Unit. It had now been renamed Voyager. This enhanced the idea of a continuing journey, and enhanced the message of complete  inclusivity that needed to be conveyed. Arsonists and murderers should not be excluded.

  ‘Just because they have done terrible things does not mean they are terrible people’ was the resulting statement. Staff who may have expressed a view ‘not in alignment with our values’ would be sent to the Rainbow Room. This is a designated non-confrontational area. It is a venue for collective counselling in a safe space. In the event of non-compliance with the necessary mandatory opinions, a process is in place for the imposition of capital punishment. Feedback is welcomed, posthumous or otherwise. Inclusivity includes the comments of the recently dead. It  helps to improve our services. Anyway, as always, everything was very, very busy in the Wellness Hub. Some corrections had been made to the paintings that hung in the corridor. Not before time.

  Simple Simon was now Behaviourally Challenged Simon.

  Old King Cole was now Temporary Team Leader Cole.

  Cinderella had been invited to the Action on Climate Change Ball.

  Hansel and Gretel accepted the witch’s offer of Gender Counselling. Her house was not made of gingerbread but organic peas and carrots, soil still attached and free from organophosphates, as is the right of all vegetables, however humble.

  All forward steps. Simple Simon still met a pieman, but the pieman was offering both vegetarian and gluten-free pies after input from the organization’s Elite Dietary Wing. The ‘Door Kickers’ as they were referred to, but not within their hearing. Drinking coffee that is not ethically sourced has consequences. We should leave it at that.

   So a good start. However, it seemed to the Department of Psychotherapeutic Excuses that a great many of the staff—as well as their clients—were suffering—and let no one underestimate the depth—from various forms of anxiety. It seemed that the situation needed to be addressed on the grounds of organisational well-being and simple humanitarian grounds. Everyone should have access to clean drinking water, basic wellness care and—in an initiative that will be followed by providers worldwide, the planting and growth of an Anxiety Tree. The Anxiety Tree is not an actual tree. These should be vigorously hugged and occasionally, if compatible with the individual, married.

    An Anxiety Tree is a wooden structure about six feet high (this can vary according to the availability of local materials and the proportion of the Vertically Challenged in the local community.) It has carved beams to either side, with wooden hands in a gesture of welcome and wellness. The forward-facing wood is carved into a simple face with a wide, broad smile. Behind this, a large oil drum. In front, a supply of pens and non-bleached paper. The sufferer writes the cause of their anxieties…

 I can’t decide which salads in Subway

 Nobody knows how special I am

 I can’t get what I want the millisecond I want it

 My behavioural inhibition leads me to make bad choices.

Paul Radcliffe is an Emergency RN. In the past, he worked in an area where children were sometimes afflicted with sickness of Gothic proportions. Some are ghosts now. As a child he visited an aunt in a haunted farmhouse. This explains a lot. Paul has worked in a variety of noisy places unlikely to be on anyone’s list of holiday destinations. He is also a highly suggestible subject for any cat requiring feeding and practicing hypnosis.

Cindy Rosmus originally hails from the Ironbound section of Newark, NJ, once voted the “unfriendliest city on the planet.” She talks like Anybodys from West Side Story and everybody from Saturday Night Fever. Her noir/horror/bizarro stories have been published in the coolest places, such as Shotgun Honey; Megazine; Dark Dossier; The Rye Whiskey Review, Under the Bleachers, and Rock and a Hard Place. She is the editor/art director of Yellow Mama. She’s published seven collections of short stories. Cindy is a Gemini, a Christian, and an animal rights advocate. She has recently branched out into photo illustration.