Questions from a Tired Mind of Average Intelligence

Sarah Black

1.     Is this food poisoning, or am I hung over?

That salami I had yesterday was starting to look a little gray, but I don’t remember it tasting off. I mean, I just had a few beers, and maybe one shooter of peppermint schnapps. A Gray Goose Martini that tasted like crap. I bet it’s a stomach virus. Two people were out of work last week with the stomach virus. Pepto? Alka-Selzer? Oh, God. Maybe both. And who is in my shower?

2.     Is this a genital wart?

Oh, hell no. I cannot believe it. It couldn’t have come up since last night. It’s small, about the size of a grain of rice. It could be a wart. What do they call it, HPV, HSV, some damn V. Syphilis gives you a sore, too. But this isn’t a sore. It’s more like . . . a wart.

3.     Did he flush the condom? Did he wear a condom?

I don’t see any torn wrappers next to the bed. Well, if he didn’t, I am sure as shit not obligated to mention genital warts, I know that much. God. Who is about to walk out of my bathroom? Was there a clean towel in there? Not likely. But if I’m not mistaken, I left dirty socks and underwear on the bathroom floor yesterday morning. What the hell kind of guy gets out of bed and takes a shower? Why couldn’t he just grab his shoes and sneak out the door like a normal guy?

4.     When was my last period? Did I take my pill yesterday? Can I take two this morning just to be safe?

An icy cold glass of Alka-Seltzer and a couple of hits of estrogen and progesterone. Yeah, baby. Go, girls. Get down there to those ovaries and tell them, No Eggs! No Eggs! Oh, God. Please don’t let me puke up these pills.

5.     If a person can’t remember the name of the guy in her shower, should she ask, or should she just call him Sweetheart?