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Catfish McDaris
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It’s Getting Hard as I Write

Catfish McDaris

 

I can look at all the centerfolds and stroke the bone any way you want, but the jizmo refuses to cooperate, until I read or write about it. Or the real thing, of course always works wonders. I moved to Milwaukee from New Mexico and lived with my aunt and three cousins. They were all major prick teases. My aunt liked to sit naked at her dressing table and wait until I looked in, then she’d powder her beautiful tits and hairy pussy and smile, pretending she couldn’t see me in her mirror. I wanted that woman so bad I could taste it. I closed my eyes and fucked her a thousand times.                            

Her youngest daughter would screw anything with a heartbeat. I caught her eating an amazing black chick’s snatch and I made them both suck me and fuck me many times, until my weenie was ready for vacation. She used to open her cunt lips and play with herself and let me do anything I wanted.  That was always a fun game.                                                                            

Her sister was a redhead; she wore bikinis with her cunt hair sticking out.  She used to let me put suntan lotion on her tits and finger fuck her, then she’d blow me into oblivion. I never got to tap that, she got religion first.  

My third cousin was half Mohawk. I took her to Juarez, Mexico, with a cat named Reefer. I took her to a whorehouse, where I let her watch the matron check me for critters. She kissed my dick and fingered my asshole. My cousin got so hot, we split from Reefer and fucked each other's brains out. Her pussy was tight, but not educated. After a week with me, she graduated with honors.          

Damn, I’m horny. What about you?

 

 

Respect

by Catfish McDaris

 

The small town newspaper headline reads: Man defecates on father’s grave. A source that wishes to remain anonymous reported to the police a suspicious man in the cemetery. The man was doing disgusting things. He had his trousers lowered and was making foul grunting and farting sounds, as he defecated all over a tombstone.

On closer examination, it was discovered that it was his very own father’s grave.

The police arrived immediately and confronted the man. A slight struggle ensued with the inebriated man. Luckily, the cemetery was almost empty. They subdued the perpetrator and placed him in the rear of the police car.

“Damn, Sarge, did you ever see anybody shit like that? That stuff is sprayed and plastered like stucco on that granite tombstone.”

“Hell, no, I’ve never seen anything like that. That shit is incredible, no telling what that crazy bastard has been eating and drinking. I’ve got shit smeared on my uniform. I’ve got a good mind to shoot the son of a bitch right here.”

From the rear of the car: “You guys aren’t going to waste me for that, are you?”

“What in the hell are you doing shitting in our graveyard?” the sergeant said.

“That’s my so-called father in the grave,” the perp said. “All of my life, I looked up to him and trusted him. He was a hard worker and always brought his check home to the family. He boozed it up sometimes, but I figured he earned it. My mother always bitched and nagged him, he was due a little escape. I cherished the man.

“A month after he died, my sisters came forward with the truth. He’d been sexually and mentally abusing them most of their lives. My older sister found out my father had started in on my two younger sisters and told the entire story to our mother. She refused to believe a word of it,” the perp said. “She had my sister put in a detention home, where she was sexually abused by guards and lesbians. She underwent shock treatments in a mental hospital, until she died very young. My younger sisters went through hypnosis and mental and drug therapy, until they also lost their minds and way.

“I never suspected a thing,” the perp said. “If I had, I would have killed this fucker long ago. I’ve been drinking red box wine and eating diarrhea pills for a week. Now you know my story, if you want to take me to jail, I understand. At least you know where I’m coming from.”

“Sarge, we can’t arrest this guy,” the patrolman said. “He only did what we would’ve done ourselves in the same situation.”

“We had a complaint filed, but maybe we can smooth things over. If we let you go, what will you do?”

“I’m thinking about finding a shovel, digging the motherfucker up, then shoving the handle up his ass, getting some gas, and making him into a crispy critter.”

 “Look asshole, you’re lucky we’re letting you go. Don’t press your luck.” They pulled in front of the bus station. The sergeant said, “Now don’t come back until after I retire and that’s in five years.”

“Thanks, officers.”

The bus pulled out.

The patrolman grinned at the sergeant. “Wipe that smile off your pie hole. You’re cleaning the stench out of this car, while I change uniforms and get a maple glazed doughnut.”

 

 

Amarillo

 

by Catfish McDaris

 

 

 

My brother called from a

town outside of Tulsa, he

needed my help to remove

some unsavory characters

 

He knew I’d been in almost

up to my neck in Vietnam &

most of my life, he referred

to me as an overachiever

It felt kind of strange wearing

a star, since I’d always walked

in shadows of good & wicked

 

My first day on the job, I met

a thief, rapist, & child abuser

all rolled into one, I gave him

fair warning, he pulled his pistol

 

His hog leg barrel traveled straight

toward me, I double tapped his

chest, his lungs splattered the wall

 

He was dead an instant before his legs

received the message, finally he folded

like a house of cards, he made a sound

like a broken sick accordion bagpipe

 

I stayed for a week, I didn’t have to kill

anybody else, my brother was relieved

when I laid my badge on his desk,

everyone was rested a lot easier

 

Pointing my Ford west I headed for

Amarillo & a senorita that could make

enchiladas so good, they’d bring tears

to your eyes &  a smile to your belly.

 

 

 

Five Finger Discount

 

By Catfish McDaris

 

 

Nasty Jack was a greaseball biker

from near the Mexican border, he

got his name from his Levis being

so stiff, he could stand them up in

the corner awaiting his reentrance

 

He was always working on Indians

and Harley Davidsons, occasionally

he applied his magic to four wheel ve-

hicles, but he preferred the freedom

of riding in the wind, unless he was

 

Pulling a big shoplifting job requiring

a crew to cart away the stolen goodies,

his hands were invisible fast, I worked

with him a few times as a distraction

man or driver, Jack knew no fear

 

I’d entered stores with him and never

seen anything, outside he’d unload

eight huge Porterhouse steaks, three

bottles of Heinz 57 and he’d grab a

rack of fifty packs of Marlboros

 

Situated right in front of the checker,

he once walked away with two dollies

of booze, one had nine cases of Corona

and the other had top shelf tequila and gin

 

We never knew what Jack would show

up with next, but he never came home

empty-handed, he wrote a note goodbye and

said forget about being thieves, he was going

fishing at Boca Chica where the Rio Grande

flowed into the Gulf of Mexico.



Crime in Milwaukee


 

by Catfish McDaris



 

It's rough all over, for blacks

and whitey in blue and out, a

black man was sitting on a bench in

Milwaukee, whitey popo put 14

 


Bullets in him, he was supposedly

nuts, he grabbed popo’s baton, folks

are walking up and down the streets

waiting for Sharpton and Jesse to speak


 

And Paula Deen to show up and

cook fried chicken and prove she’s

not any more of a racist than any

other God-fearing American


 

Then we have this 20-year-old black

kid that rapes a 101-year-old lady

and wears a dopey grin into court

and he’s bragging to the cameras,

saying how famous he is now


 

A 10-year-old girl on her way

to school was dragged into an

alley and raped by a 26-year-



Old 300 lb. scumbag, he had his

pants down and threatened to

kill the little girl if she ran


 

Her screams brought people and

the cops arrived, they captured

the animal the next day, but not

 


Before he molested the girl and

murdered her innocence and purity,

the baby rapist pervert deserves

a slow wretched miserable death. 





It Only Hurts When He Cracks a Smile


 by Catfish McDaris


  


Quick was hustling nine ball, shooting

with an eagle eye, it was from growing

up on snooker and billiard tables


 

This dude got pissed off and pulled

out a Saturday Night Special and

shot him right in the ass, his lady

dragged him to the hospital, he felt


 

Like he was between a dream and a

nightmare, Quick was laying on a gurney

waiting his turn, when they rolled

in a fat heart attack victim, the nurses


 

Peeled off his shirt, the doc said,

“Son of a bitch, this fucker looks

like a gorilla” they applied the paddles

and turned up the electric juice


 

His body jumped off the table like a

fish out of water, he was flopping on

the floor next to Quick, they jolted him

again and his chest hair caught on fire


 

Lucky for him his lady had marshmallows

and chopsticks in her purse, they were soon

having a nice picnic minus the ants. 


  


Quicksand

 

by Catfish McDaris

 

 

Jose’s amigos arrived from Austin

in a new 4-cylinder Mustang, they

said it had no pep, they asked him

to destroy it for the insurance money

 

They harvested 20 lbs of psilocybin

mushrooms, covered them with honey,

froze them, and transported them in an

ice chest, 10 lbs were Jose’s if he did

 

The car, he wanted to strip it and sell it,

but they insisted he blow it up and burn it

he drove out to a caliche pit followed by

his lady and soaked the Mustang in gas &

torched it, later he called the cops

 

He tried the mushrooms before selling

any, they were strong, sort of like good

acid, but they made him laugh for hours,

Jose decided to go see Iron Butterfly

 

With a quart of Coors he ate some ‘shrooms,

parking his short a few blocks away, the

hallucinations slowed him into snail turtle

motion, his stomach was grizzly growling

 

Seeing a dark backyard, he dropped a load

and a rat dog kept barking so he used it for

ass wipe, he gazed up at the brilliant sky

 

It started raining whores and tequila, he felt

thirsty and stiffer than petrified wood, he led

three senoritas to his car and got a bucket to

catch some cactus juice in, looking in the

back seat he saw the stinky little dog

 

Jose figured he had been adopted, he asked

“What’s your name boy?” The dog replied,

“Quicksand, motherfucker and I need a bath.”

 

 

 

Catfish McDaris won the Thelonius Monk Award in 2015. His 25 years of published material is in the Special Archives Collection at Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and he is listed in Wikipedia. His new book is 265 pages of poems and prose, that will make your hands tremble.   www.amazon.com/Sleeping-With-Fish-Catfish-McDaris/dp/0692671323    Available Now! Sleeping With the Fish

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