Yellow Mama Archives

Thomas Sullivan
Home
Abbott, Patricia
Aclin, Ken
Adhikari, Sudeep
Ahern, Edward
Alan, Jeff
Aldrich, Janet M.
Allen, M. G.
Allen, Nick
Allison, Shane
Ammonds, Phillip J.
Anderson, Peter
Andreopoulos, Elliott
Anick, Ronald
Anonymous 9
Arab, Bint
Arkell, Steven
Ashley, Jonathan
Aymar, E. A.
Ayris, Ian
Babbs, James
Baber, Bill
Bagwell, Dennis
Baird, Meg
Bakala, Brendan
Baker, Bobby Steve
Baker, Nathan
Balaz, Joe
Baltensperger, Peter
BAM
Barber, Shannon
Barnett, Brian
Bates, Jack
Baugh, Darlene
Baumgartner, Jessica Marie
Beale, Jonathan
Beck, George
Beckman, Paul
Beloin, Phil
Benet, Esme
Bennett, Brett
Bennett, Charlie
Bennett, Eric
Berg, Carly
Bergland, Grant
Berman, Daniel
Berriozabal, Luis
Beveridge, Robert
Bickerstaff, Russ
Bigney, Tyler
Blair, Travis
Blake, Steven
Bohem, Charlie Keys and Les
Bolt, Andy
Bonehill, L. R.
Booth, Brenton
Boran, P. Keith
Bosworth, Mel
Bowen, Sean C.
Boyd, A. V.
Boyd, Morgan
Bracey, DG
Bradford, Ryan
Bradshaw, Bob
Brady, Dave
Brannigan, Tory
Brawn, Jason D.
Brewka-Clark, Nancy
Britt, Alan
Brock, Brandon K.
brook, j.
Brown, Melanie
Brown, R. Thomas
Brown, Sam
Bull, Warren
Burton, Michael
Bushtalov, Denis
Butler, Janet
Butler, Simon Hardy
Butler, Terence
Cameron, W. B.
Campbell, J. J.
Campbell, Jack Jr.
Cano, Valentina
Carlton, Bob
Cartwright, Steve
Carver, Marc
Castle, Chris
Catlin, Alan
Chen, Colleen
Chesler, Adam
Christensen, Jan
Christopher, J. B.
Clausen, Daniel
Clevenger, Victor
Clifton, Gary
Coffey, James
Colasuonno, Alfonso
Compton, Sheldon Lee
Conley, Jen
Conley, Stephen
Connor, Tod
Cooper, Malcolm Graham
Coral, Jay
Corman-Roberts, Paul
Cosby, S. A.
Crandall, Rob
Criscuolo, Carla
Crisman, Robert
Crist, Kenneth
Crouch & Woods
Crumpton, J. C.
Cunningham, Stephen
Curry, A. R.
D., Jack
Dabbe, Lyla K.
Dallett, Cassandra
Damian, Josephine
Danoski, Joseph V.
Daly, Jim
Daly, Sean
Dalzell, Randy
Davis, Christopher
Day, Holly
Deal, Chris
de Bruler, Connor
De France, Steve
De La Garza, Lela Marie
de Marco, Guy Anthony
Deming, Ruth Z.
DeVeau, Spencer
Dexter, Matthew
Di Chellis, Peter
Dick, Earl
Dick, Paul "Deadeye"
DiLorenzo, Ciro
Dionne, Ron
Domenichini, John
Doran, Phil
Doreski, William
Dorman, Roy
Dosser, Jeff
Draime, Doug
Drake, Lena Judith
Dromey, John H.
Duke, Jason
Duncan, Gary
Dunham, T. Fox
Dunn, Robin Wyatt
Dunwoody, David
Duxbury, Karen
Duy, Michelle
Elias, Ramsey Mark
Elliott, Beverlyn L.
Elliott, Garnett
Ellis, Asher
Ellman, Neil
England, Kellie R.
England, Kristina
Erianne, John
Erlewine, David
Esterholm, Jeff
Fallow, Jeff
Falo, William
Fedigan, William J.
Fenster, Timothy
Ferraro, Diana
Filas, Cameron
Flanagan, Daniel N.
Flanagan, Ryan Quinn
Folz, Crystal
Franceschina, Susan
Funk, Matthew C.
Gallik, Daniel
Gann, Alan
Gardner, Cheryl Ann
Genz, Brian
Gilbert, Colin
Gladeview, Lawrence
Glass, Donald
Goddard, L. B.
Godwin, Richard
Goff, Christopher
Goodman, Tina
Goss, Christopher
Gradowski, Janel
Grant, Christopher
Grant, Stewart
Greenberg, Paul
Grey, John
Grover, Michael
Gunn, Johnny
Gurney, Kenneth P.
Haglund, Tobias
Hamlin, Mason
Hanna, J. T.
Hansen, Melissa
Hanson, Christopher Kenneth
Hanson, Kip
Hardin, J. Scott
Harrington, Jim
Harris, Bruce
Hart, GJ
Hartman, Michelle
Haskins, Chad
Hatzialexandrou, Anjelica
Hawley, Doug
Haycock, Brian
Hayes, A. J.
Hayes, John
Hayes, Peter W. J.
Heatley, Paul
Heifetz, Justin
Heimler, Heidi
Heitz, Russ
Helmsley, Fiona
Hendry, Mark
Henry, Robert Louis
Heslop, Karen
Heyns, Heather
Hilary, Sarah
Hill, Richard
Hilson, J. Robert
Hivner, Christopher
Hobbs, R. J.
Hockey, Matthew J.
Hodges, Oliver
Hodgkinson, Marie
Holderfield, Culley
Holton, Dave
Hor, Emme
Houston, Jennifer
Howard, Peter
Howells, Ann
Huchu, Tendai
Hudson, Rick
Huffman, A. J.
Huguenin, Timothy G.
Hunt, Jason
Huskey, Jason L.
Irwin, Daniel
Jacobson, E. J.
Jaggers, J. David
James, Christopher
James, Colin
Jensen, Steve
Johanson, Jacob
Johnson, Beau
Johnson, Moctezuma
Johnson, Zakariah
Jones, D. S.
Jones, Erin J.
Jones, Mark
Kabel, Dana
Kaplan, Barry Jay
Kay, S.
Keaton, David James
Keith, Michael C.
Kempka, Hal
Kerins, Mike
Kerry, Vic
Keshigian, Michael
Kimball R. D.
King, Michelle Ann
Kirk, D.
Klim, Christopher
Knapp, Kristen Lee
Koenig, Michael
Korpon, Nik
Kovacs, Sandor
Kowalcyzk, Alec
Krafft, E. K.
Lacks, Lee Todd
Lang, Preston
La Rosa, F. Michael
Larkham, Jack
Leasure, Colt
Leatherwood, Roger
Lee, M.A.B.
Lees, Arlette
Lees, Lonni
Leins, Tom
LeJay, Brian K. Jr.
Lemming, Jennifer
Lerner, Steven M
Lewis, Cynthia Ruth
Lifshin, Lyn
Lin, Jamie
Lodge, Oliver
Lopez, Aurelio Rico III
Lorca, Aurelia
Lo Rocco, Brian
Loucks, Lindsey
Lovisi, Gary
Lucas, Gregory E.
Lukas, Anthony
Lynch, Nulty
Lyons, Matthew
Mac, David
MacArthur, Jodi
Macor, Iris
Madeleine, Julia
Malone, Joe
Manteufel, M. B.
Manzolillo, Nicholas
Marcius, Cal
Marlin, Brick
Marlowe, Jack T.
Marrotti, Michael
Martyn, Clive
Mason, Wayne
Massengill, David
Mattila, Matt
McAdams, Liz
McBride, Matthew
McCabe, Sinead
McCartney, Chris
McDaris, Catfish
McFarlane, Adam Beau
McGinley, Jerry
McElhiney, Sean
McLean, David
McMannus, Jack
McQuiston, Rick
Mellon, Mark
Memblatt, Bruce
Memi, Samantha
Merrigan, Court
Miles, Marietta
Miller, Laurita
Miller, Max
Mintz, Gwendolyn
Monaghan, Timothy P.
Monteferrante, Luigi
Monson, Mike
Mooney, Christopher P.
Moore, Katie
Morgan, Bill W.
Morgan, Stephen
Moss, David Harry
Mullins, Ian
Mulvihill, Michael
Murdock, Franklin
Muslim, Kristine Ong
Nardolilli, Ben
Nazar, Rebecca
Nell, Dani
Nelson, Trevor
Nessly, Ray
Nester, Steven
Neuda, M. C.
Newell, Ben
Newman, Paul
Nielsen, Ayaz
Nienaber, T. M.
Ogurek, Douglas J.
Ortiz, Sergio
Pagel, Briane
Parr, Rodger
Parrish, Rhonda
Partin-Nielsen, Judith
Penton, Jonathan
Perez, Juan M.
Perl, Puma
Perri, Gavin
Peterson, Rob
Peterson, Ross
Petroziello, Brian
Pettie, Jack
Petyo, Robert
Picher, Gabrielle
Piech, JC
Pierce, Rob
Pietrzykowski, Marc
Plath, Rob
Pletzers, Lee
Pluck, Thomas
Pohl, Stephen
Pointer, David
Polson, Aaron
Power, Jed
Powers, M. P.
Price, David
Priest, Ryan
Prusky, Steve
Pruitt, Eryk
Purfield, M. E.
Purkis, Gordon
Quinlan, Joseph R.
Ram, Sri
Ramos, Emma
Rapth, Sam
Ravindra, Rudy
Rawson, Keith
Ray, Paula
Reale, Michelle
reutter, g emil
Rhatigan, Chris
Ribas, Tom
Richardson, Travis
Richey, John Lunar
Ridgeway, Kevin
Ritchie, Bob
Ritchie, Salvadore
Roberts, Paul C.
Robertson, Lee
Robinson, John D.
Robinson, Kent
Rodgers, K. M.
Roger, Frank
Rogers, Stephen D.
Rohrbacher, Chad
Rosa, Basil
Rose, Mandi
Rosenberger, Brian
Rosenblum, Mark
Rosmus, Cindy
Rowe, Brian
Rowley, Aaron
Ruhlman, Walter
Rutherford, Scotch
Saus, Steven M.
Savage, Jack
Sawyer, Mark
Sayles, Ryan
Schneeweiss, Jonathan
Schraeder, E. F.
Schumejda, Rebecca
Scott, Craig
Scott, Jess C.
Scribner, Joshua
See, Tom
Seen, Calvin
Servis, Steven P.
Sethi, Sanjeev
Sexton, Rex
Seymour, J. E.
Sfarnas, John
Shafee, Fariel
Shaikh, Aftab Yusuf
Shea, Kieran
Shepherd, Robert
Sim, Anton
Simmler, T. Maxim
Sin, Natalie L.
Sinisi, J. J.
Sixsmith, JD
Slagle, Cutter
Slaviero, Susan
Sloan, Frank
Smith, Adam Francis
Smith, Ben
Smith, C.R.J.
Smith, Copper
Smith, Daniel C.
Smith, Paul
Smith, Stephanie
Smith, Willie
Smuts, Carolyn
Snoody, Elmore
So, Gerald
Sojka, Carol
Solender, Michael J.
Sortwell, Pete
Sosnoski, Karen
Sparling, George
Speed, Allen
Spicer, David
Spires, Will
Spitzer, Mark
Spuler, Rick
Squirrell, William
Stephens, Ransom
Stewart, Michael S.
Stickel, Anne
Stolec, Trina
Straus, Todd
Stryker, Joseph H.
Stucchio, Chris
Stuckey, Cinnamon
Succre, Ray
Sullivan, Thomas
Swanson, Peter
Swartz, Justin A.
Sweet, John
Tarbard, Grant
Taylor, J. M.
Thoburn, Leland
Thomas, C. T.
Thompson, John L.
Thompson, Phillip
Tillman, Stephen
Titus, Lori
Tivey, Lauren
Tobin, Tim
Todd, Jeffrey
Tolland, Timothry
Tomlinson, Brenton
Tomolillo, Bob
Tu, Andy
Ullerich, Eric
Valent, Raymond A.
Valvis, James
Vilhotti, Jerry
Waldman, Dr. Mel
Walsh, Patricia
Ward, Emma
Ward, Jared
Waters, Andrew
Weber, R.O.
Weil, Lester L.
Weir, G. Kenneth
White, J.
White, Judy Friedman
White, Robb
White, Terry
Williams, Alun
Willoughby, Megan
Wilsky, Jim
Wilson, Robley
Wilson, Scott
Wilson, Tabitha
Wright, David
Young, Scot
Yuan, Changming
Zafiro, Frank
Zapata, Angel
Zickgraf, Catherine
Zimmerman, Thomas
Znaidi, Ali

threeway.jpg
Art by Mike Kerins 2010

Three-Way

 

Thomas Sullivan

 

 

“Oh, yeah, baby, we’ve got us a winner. This one should be easy to roll. Jane! C’mere, check this out!”

 

          Jane scampers up, puts her head next to mine, and looks at the screen. I catch a whiff of her breath, which smells like something died in her mouth. She laughs as she reads the Craigslist ad out loud.

 

          For sale. 24-carat diamond wedding ring. excellent condition. must sell due to husband’s recent death. $500 obo.”

 

          “Awww, that is so sad.”

 

          Jane smiles through crooked teeth and slaps my shoulder in congratulations. She scoots over to the kitchen table, grabs her sunglasses and a roll of duct tape, and shouts “Party time!” I jot down the address and grab a baseball bat before joining her.

 

We shuffle out of our decaying shit-box of an apartment, descend the creaking stairs, and fast-walk to the Econovan.

 

I hop behind the wheel, say a quick prayer, and turn the key.

 

Nothing.

 

I curse, pump the gas, and try again.

 

Bingo.

 

The van shudders to life. We squeal away from the curb and start heading for the other side of town. The good side. Ten minutes later we leave behind the pawn shops and payday lenders and enter a leafy suburb on the edge of downtown. Jane directs me to the right street and starts scanning addresses. She finds the correct one, points toward a house, and commands me to pull over.

We sit for a moment, staring at a small yellow bungalow with a perfectly-manicured lawn. A small stone squirrel sits playfully next to a bird feeder and a pink flamingo. I look at the porch and see a horse pulling a wooden cart filled with flowers. I laugh.

 

“Oh yeah, this is how we like it.”

 

We exit the van and march up to the front door. I stand on a flowery welcome mat and ring the bell. From behind the door I hear a frail, high-pitched voice yell, “Hold on, I’m coming.”

 

A moment later the door swings open. I gaze into a living room filled with knickknacks before looking down at a four-foot-tall woman gripping a walker.

 

Sweet Jesus, we’ve struck gold.

 

I work up a serious but kind voice and say “Hello ma’am, we’re here about the ring. Sorry to not call first, I hope this time is okay for you.”

 

The old woman pivots the walker and starts to creep back toward the living room.

 

“Come in, come in . . . can I get you two a glass of milk?”

 

Jane jabs an elbow in my ribs and smiles as we enter the musty house.

 

“No, but thank you. We won’t be long.”

 

Jane closes the door. The woman swivels the walker and looks at us. I reach behind me and grab the bat from my belt.

 

“Give us the ring, bitch.”

 

The woman flashes a startled expression.

 

“Young man, what on earth are you doing?”

 

She starts trembling. Then suddenly she stops trembling and gets perfectly still. She points a bony finger at me and starts laughing.

What the hell.

 

The woman smiles and says, “Ooh, this should be fun.”

 

She claps her hands and screams, “Boys!”

 

Three enormous pit bulls burst out of a bedroom and race toward Jane and me. They jar to a halt two feet in front of us and start growling. I stare at the animals and raise the bat, preparing to fight.

 

“Young man, if I were you, I’d drop the bat . . . if you want to keep any of your leg meat, that is.”

 

I look at the three sets of enormous, dripping teeth and drop the bat next to a wicker basket filled with old copies of Ladies Home Journal.

 

The old woman grins and stares at Jane and me. She digs a hand under her shawl and brings out two trackball headsets. She tosses one to Jane and one to me.

 

“Put these on if you want to get out of here alive.”

 

We start complying.

 

The woman reaches into her pocket. She drags out a dildo and attaches it to the cross bar on her walker. Then she drags out a second one and snaps it onto the bar at the other end.

 

She commands us to drop our pants and turn around.

 

As Jane and I are turning, the woman starts pushing the walker towards us. She flashes a toothless smile and chuckles before saying, “And to think that I used to have to pay for this.”

 

 

 

Thomas Sullivans writing has appeared in Underground Voices and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a comic memoir about teaching drivers education. For info on this title, and to view more of Thomas’ writing, please visit his author website at http://thomassullivanhumor.com.

howcanihelp.jpg
Art by Christopher Lee Stine 2011

How Can I Help You?

 

 

Thomas Sullivan

 

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

“Hi, Robert. My name’s Ray Clark, calling from Paradigm Info Services.”

 

“Okay . . .”

 

“I’m with an expert-networking firm here in New York. How’s the weather out there in Silicon Valley?”

 

“Uh, pretty good, what’s this about? I’m pretty busy right now with the quarterlies coming up.”

 

“Sure, sure, understand. I’ll be quick. As you probably know, we recruit consultants from various industries who can provide timely information to large-scale investors who . . .”

 

“And you’re interested in bringing me on board?”

 

“Well, in your role at AMD you are privy to timely market data.”

 

“That is correct. So . . .”

 

“So we’d like to offer you the chance to become one of our consultants. On a quarterly basis, for a significant sum of money, of course. Your former boss, Ray Wetstone, said you were a discreet fellow and might be interested.”

 

“Definitely. Is this straight pay or commission?”

 

“Straight. Once per quarter for information delivered two days before company results are made public. We’re prepared to start at 100, but that amount can certainly rise with performance.”

“Okay, sounds good. Truth be told, it’s been a while since I’ve had a decent raise. What’s the next step here?”

 

“A Richard Bloomfeld from Inspirada Capital will call you later today. I’ll fax over an agreement right now. Do you have a private, secure line?”

 

* * * *

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

“Hi Robert, its Richard from Inspirada.”

 

“Oh, hey, how’s it going? Still digging out over there?”

 

“Jesus, tell me about it. Horrible time for a fucking blizzard. I actually walked to work. So Ray filled you in on the deal?”

 

“Yup, got the fax, sent it back. Just need to know what exactly you want and in what format. I’m poring through it all right now.”

 

“Looking good?”

 

“Very.”

 

“Okay, we need Units Shipped, Average Price Per Unit, Estimated Profit, and any one-time charges or write-downs you’re aware of.”

 

“Piece a cake. Got it right here. Excel spreadsheet okay?”

 

“Sure, sure. I’ll send along my email address and we’re good to go. So it’s looking good, huh?”

 

“I think you’ll be surprised.”

 

* * * *

 

TWO DAYS LATER:

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

What the fuck is your deal?”

 

“Mom?”

 

“Very funny, asshole. What kinda game you think you’re playing?”

 

“Oh, Richard, it’s you. Yeah, tough luck on that one. When I saw the headline ‘Investors Disappointed By AMD Results,’ I thought, I know one sucker for whom that’s probably a big understatement. So how much did you guys lose?”

 

“I cannot believe this shit.”

 

“C’mon, no spilled milk, how much?”

 

“Listen, pal, and listen close, you do not want to screw with us.”

 

“Too late. I already did.”

 

“We’ve got ways to make your life hell.”

 

“Too late there as well; it’s pretty much hell already. But if you could stop breathing into the phone for a second, I’ve got some very valuable information for you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Well, Richard, they sell these little devices at Radio Shack that let you record calls. Small thing, only $19.95. Pretty slick, you guys should definitely look into the company that makes them. Anyway, I recorded both of your calls. And, as I’m sure you’re aware, soliciting non-public info is a big no-no. Insider trading is a serious offense.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“You’re welcome. Do you look good in stripes? Anyhow, unless you want the recordings to find their way to the SEC, I’d advise you to forget this whole little affair.”

 

“Screw you, you signed with Ray. You’re part of this now.”

“Nope, never signed, just shredded. And the info I sent you, guess what?”

 

“What.”

 

“It was from 1998. Whaddya think I am, stupid?”

 

Argh!!!”

 

“Hey, you have a great Christmas. Gotta go.”

 

 

 

Thomas Sullivans writing has appeared in Word Riot and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a comic memoir about teaching drivers education. For information on this title, please visit his author website at http://thomassullivanhumor.com.

In Association with Fossil Publications