Yellow Mama Archives

Thomas Sullivan
Home
Adair, Jay
Adhikari, Sudeep
Ahern, Edward
Aldrich, Janet M.
Allan, T. N.
Allen, M. G.
Ammonds, Phillip J.
Anderson, Fred
Anderson, Peter
Andreopoulos, Elliott
Arab, Bint
Armstrong, Dini
Augustyn, P. K.
Aymar, E. A.
Babbs, James
Baber, Bill
Bagwell, Dennis
Bailey, Ashley
Bailey, Thomas
Baird, Meg
Bakala, Brendan
Baker, Nathan
Balaz, Joe
BAM
Barber, Shannon
Barker, Tom
Barlow, Tom
Bates, Jack
Bayly, Karen
Baugh, Darlene
Bauman, Michael
Baumgartner, Jessica Marie
Beale, Jonathan
Beck, George
Beckman, Paul
Benet, Esme
Bennett, Brett
Bennett, Charlie
Bennett, D. V.
Benton, Ralph
Berg, Carly
Berman, Daniel
Bernardara, Will Jr.
Berriozabal, Luis
Beveridge, Robert
Bickerstaff, Russ
Bigney, Tyler
Blackwell, C. W.
Bladon, Henry
Blake, Steven
Blakey, James
Bohem, Charlie Keys and Les
Bonner, Kim
Booth, Brenton
Boski, David
Bougger, Jason
Boyd, A. V.
Boyd, Morgan
Boyle, James
Bracey, DG
Brewka-Clark, Nancy
Britt, Alan
Broccoli, Jimmy
Brooke, j
Brown, R. Thomas
Brown, Sam
Bruce, K. Marvin
Bryson, Kathleen
Burke, Wayne F.
Burnwell, Otto
Burton, Michael
Bushtalov, Denis
Butcher, Jonathan
Butkowski, Jason
Butler, Terence
Cameron, W. B.
Campbell, J. J.
Campbell, Jack Jr.
Cano, Valentina
Cardinale, Samuel
Cardoza, Dan A.
Carlton, Bob
Carr, Jennifer
Cartwright, Steve
Carver, Marc
Castle, Chris
Catlin, Alan
Centorbi, David
Chesler, Adam
Christensen, Jan
Clausen, Daniel
Clevenger, Victor
Clifton, Gary
Cmileski, Sue
Cody, Bethany
Coey, Jack
Coffey, James
Colasuonno, Alfonso
Condora, Maddisyn
Conley, Jen
Connor, Tod
Cooper, Malcolm Graham
Copes, Matthew
Coral, Jay
Corrigan, Mickey J.
Cosby, S. A.
Costello, Bruce
Cotton, Mark
Coverley, Harris
Crandall, Rob
Criscuolo, Carla
Crist, Kenneth
Cross, Thomas X.
Cumming, Scott
D., Jack
Dallett, Cassandra
Danoski, Joseph V.
Daly, Sean
Davies, J. C.
Davis, Christopher
Davis, Michael D.
Day, Holly
de Bruler, Connor
Degani, Gay
De France, Steve
De La Garza, Lela Marie
Deming, Ruth Z.
Demmer, Calvin
De Neve, M. A.
Dennehy, John W.
DeVeau, Spencer
Di Chellis, Peter
Dillon, John J.
DiLorenzo, Ciro
Dilworth, Marcy
Dioguardi, Michael Anthony
Dionne, Ron
Dobson, Melissa
Domenichini, John
Dominelli, Rob
Doran, Phil
Doreski, William
Dority, Michael
Dorman, Roy
Doherty, Rachel
Dosser, Jeff
Doyle, Jacqueline
Doyle, John
Draime, Doug
Drake, Lena Judith
Dromey, John H.
Dubal, Paul Michael
Duke, Jason
Duncan, Gary
Dunham, T. Fox
Duschesneau, Pauline
Dunn, Robin Wyatt
Duxbury, Karen
Duy, Michelle
Eade, Kevin
Ebel, Pamela
Elliott, Garnett
Ellman, Neil
England, Kristina
Erianne, John
Espinosa, Maria
Esterholm, Jeff
Fabian, R. Gerry
Fallow, Jeff
Farren, Jim
Fedolfi, Leon
Fenster, Timothy
Ferraro, Diana
Filas, Cameron
Fillion, Tom
Fishbane, Craig
Fisher, Miles Ryan
Flanagan, Daniel N.
Flanagan, Ryan Quinn
Flynn, Jay
Fortunato, Chris
Francisco, Edward
Frank, Tim
Fugett, Brian
Funk, Matthew C.
Gann, Alan
Gardner, Cheryl Ann
Garvey, Kevin Z.
Gay, Sharon Frame
Gentile, Angelo
Genz, Brian
Giersbach, Walter
Gladeview, Lawrence
Glass, Donald
Goddard, L. B.
Godwin, Richard
Goff, Christopher
Golds, Stephen J.
Goss, Christopher
Gradowski, Janel
Graham, Sam
Grant, Christopher
Grant, Stewart
Greenberg, K.J. Hannah
Greenberg, Paul
Grey, John
Guirand, Leyla
Gunn, Johnny
Gurney, Kenneth P.
Hagerty, David
Haglund, Tobias
Halleck, Robert
Hamlin, Mason
Hansen, Vinnie
Hanson, Christopher Kenneth
Hanson, Kip
Harrington, Jim
Harris, Bruce
Hart, GJ
Hartman, Michelle
Hartwell, Janet
Haskins, Chad
Hawley, Doug
Haycock, Brian
Hayes, A. J.
Hayes, John
Hayes, Peter W. J.
Heatley, Paul
Heimler, Heidi
Helmsley, Fiona
Hendry, Mark
Heslop, Karen
Heyns, Heather
Hilary, Sarah
Hill, Richard
Hivner, Christopher
Hockey, Matthew J.
Hogan, Andrew J.
Holderfield, Culley
Holton, Dave
Houlahan, Jeff
Howells, Ann
Hoy, J. L.
Huchu, Tendai
Hudson, Rick
Huffman, A. J.
Huguenin, Timothy G.
Huskey, Jason L.
Ippolito, Curtis
Irascible, Dr. I. M.
Jaggers, J. David
James, Christopher
Jarrett, Nigel
Jayne, Serena
Johnson, Beau
Johnson, Moctezuma
Johnson, Zakariah
Jones, D. S.
Jones, Erin J.
Jones, Mark
Kabel, Dana
Kaiser, Alison
Kanach, A.
Kaplan, Barry Jay
Kay, S.
Keaton, David James
Kempka, Hal
Kerins, Mike
Keshigian, Michael
Kevlock, Mark Joseph
King, Michelle Ann
Kirk, D.
Kitcher, William
Knott, Anthony
Koenig, Michael
Kokan, Bob
Kolarik, Andrew J.
Korpon, Nik
Kovacs, Norbert
Kovacs, Sandor
Kowalcyzk, Alec
Krafft, E. K.
Kunz, Dave
Lacks, Lee Todd
Lang, Preston
Larkham, Jack
La Rosa, F. Michael
Leasure, Colt
Leatherwood, Roger
LeDue, Richard
Lees, Arlette
Lees, Lonni
Leins, Tom
Lemieux, Michael
Lemming, Jennifer
Lerner, Steven M
Leverone, Allan
Levine, Phyllis Peterson
Lewis, Cynthia Ruth
Lewis, LuAnn
Licht, Matthew
Lifshin, Lyn
Lilley, James
Liskey, Tom Darin
Lodge, Oliver
Lopez, Aurelio Rico III
Lorca, Aurelia
Lovisi, Gary
Lubaczewski, Paul
Lucas, Gregory E.
Lukas, Anthony
Lynch, Nulty
Lyon, Hillary
Lyons, Matthew
Mac, David
MacArthur, Jodi
Malone, Joe
Mann, Aiki
Manthorne, Julian
Manzolillo, Nicholas
Marcius, Cal
Marrotti, Michael
Mason, Wayne
Mathews, Bobby
Mattila, Matt
Matulich, Joel
McAdams, Liz
McCaffrey, Stanton
McCartney, Chris
McDaris, Catfish
McFarlane, Adam Beau
McGinley, Chris
McGinley, Jerry
McElhiney, Sean
McJunkin, Ambrose
McKim, Marci
McMannus, Jack
McQuiston, Rick
Mellon, Mark
Memi, Samantha
Middleton, Bradford
Miles, Marietta
Miller, Max
Minihan, Jeremiah
Montagna, Mitchel
Monson, Mike
Mooney, Christopher P.
Moran, Jacqueline M.
Morgan, Bill W.
Moss, David Harry
Mullins, Ian
Mulvihill, Michael
Muslim, Kristine Ong
Nardolilli, Ben
Nelson, Trevor
Nessly, Ray
Nester, Steven
Neuda, M. C.
Newell, Ben
Newman, Paul
Nielsen, Ayaz
Nobody, Ed
Nore, Abe
Numann, Randy
Ogurek, Douglas J.
O'Keefe, Sean
Orrico, Connor
Ortiz, Sergio
Pagel, Briane
Park, Jon
Parks, Garr
Parr, Rodger
Parrish, Rhonda
Partin-Nielsen, Judith
Peralez, R.
Perez, Juan M.
Perez, Robert Aguon
Peterson, Ross
Petroziello, Brian
Petska, Darrell
Pettie, Jack
Petyo, Robert
Phillips, Matt
Picher, Gabrielle
Pierce, Curtis
Pierce, Rob
Pietrzykowski, Marc
Plath, Rob
Pointer, David
Post, John
Powell, David
Power, Jed
Powers, M. P.
Praseth, Ram
Prazych, Richard
Priest, Ryan
Prusky, Steve
Pruitt, Eryk
Purfield, M. E.
Purkis, Gordon
Quinlan, Joseph R.
Quinn, Frank
Rabas, Kevin
Ragan, Robert
Ram, Sri
Rapth, Sam
Ravindra, Rudy
Reich, Betty
Renney, Mark
reutter, g emil
Rhatigan, Chris
Rhiel, Ann Marie
Ribshman, Kevin
Ricchiuti, Andrew
Richardson, Travis
Richey, John Lunar
Ridgeway, Kevin
Rihlmann, Brian
Ritchie, Bob
Ritchie, Salvadore
Robinson, John D.
Robinson, Kent
Rodgers, K. M.
Roger, Frank
Rose, Mandi
Rose, Mick
Rosenberger, Brian
Rosenblum, Mark
Rosmus, Cindy
Rowland, C. A.
Ruhlman, Walter
Rutherford, Scotch
Sahms, Diane
Saier, Monique
Salinas, Alex
Sanders, Isabelle
Sanders, Sebnem
Santo, Heather
Savage, Jack
Sayles, Betty J.
Schauber, Karen
Schneeweiss, Jonathan
Schraeder, E. F.
Schumejda, Rebecca
See, Tom
Sethi, Sanjeev
Sexton, Rex
Seymour, J. E.
Shaikh, Aftab Yusuf
Sheagren, Gerald E.
Shepherd, Robert
Shirey, D. L.
Shore, Donald D.
Short, John
Sim, Anton
Simmler, T. Maxim
Simpson, Henry
Sinisi, J. J.
Sixsmith, JD
Slagle, Cutter
Slaviero, Susan
Sloan, Frank
Small, Alan Edward
Smith, Brian J.
Smith, Ben
Smith, C.R.J.
Smith, Copper
Smith, Greg
Smith, Elena E.
Smith, Ian C.
Smith, Paul
Smith, Stephanie
Smith, Willie
Smuts, Carolyn
Snethen, Daniel G.
Snoody, Elmore
Sojka, Carol
Solender, Michael J.
Sortwell, Pete
Sparling, George
Spicer, David
Squirrell, William
Stanton, Henry G.
Steven, Michael
Stevens, J. B.
Stewart, Michael S.
Stickel, Anne
Stoler, Cathi
Stolec, Trina
Stoll, Don
Stryker, Joseph H.
Stucchio, Chris
Succre, Ray
Sullivan, Thomas
Surkiewicz, Joe
Swanson, Peter
Swartz, Justin A.
Sweet, John
Tarbard, Grant
Tait, Alyson
Taylor, J. M.
Thompson, John L.
Thompson, Phillip
Thrax, Max
Ticktin, Ruth
Tillman, Stephen
Titus, Lori
Tivey, Lauren
Tobin, Tim
Torrence, Ron
Tu, Andy
Turner, Lamont A.
Tustin, John
Ullerich, Eric
Valent, Raymond A.
Valvis, James
Vilhotti, Jerry
Waldman, Dr. Mel
Walker, Dustin
Walsh, Patricia
Walters, Luke
Ward, Emma
Washburn, Joseph
Watt, Max
Weber, R.O.
Weil, Lester L.
White, Judy Friedman
White, Robb
White, Terry
Wickham, Alice
Wilhide, Zach
Williams, K. A.
Wilsky, Jim
Wilson, Robley
Wilson, Tabitha
Woodland, Francis
Woods, Jonathan
Young, Mark
Yuan, Changming
Zackel, Fred
Zafiro, Frank
Zapata, Angel
Zee, Carly
Zeigler, Martin
Zimmerman, Thomas
Butler, Simon Hardy

threeway.jpg
Art by Mike Kerins © 2010

Three-Way

 

Thomas Sullivan

 

 

“Oh, yeah, baby, we’ve got us a winner. This one should be easy to roll. Jane! C’mere, check this out!”

 

          Jane scampers up, puts her head next to mine, and looks at the screen. I catch a whiff of her breath, which smells like something died in her mouth. She laughs as she reads the Craigslist ad out loud.

 

          For sale. 24-carat diamond wedding ring. excellent condition. must sell due to husband’s recent death. $500 obo.”

 

          “Awww, that is so sad.”

 

          Jane smiles through crooked teeth and slaps my shoulder in congratulations. She scoots over to the kitchen table, grabs her sunglasses and a roll of duct tape, and shouts “Party time!” I jot down the address and grab a baseball bat before joining her.

 

We shuffle out of our decaying shit-box of an apartment, descend the creaking stairs, and fast-walk to the Econovan.

 

I hop behind the wheel, say a quick prayer, and turn the key.

 

Nothing.

 

I curse, pump the gas, and try again.

 

Bingo.

 

The van shudders to life. We squeal away from the curb and start heading for the other side of town. The good side. Ten minutes later we leave behind the pawn shops and payday lenders and enter a leafy suburb on the edge of downtown. Jane directs me to the right street and starts scanning addresses. She finds the correct one, points toward a house, and commands me to pull over.

We sit for a moment, staring at a small yellow bungalow with a perfectly-manicured lawn. A small stone squirrel sits playfully next to a bird feeder and a pink flamingo. I look at the porch and see a horse pulling a wooden cart filled with flowers. I laugh.

 

“Oh yeah, this is how we like it.”

 

We exit the van and march up to the front door. I stand on a flowery welcome mat and ring the bell. From behind the door I hear a frail, high-pitched voice yell, “Hold on, I’m coming.”

 

A moment later the door swings open. I gaze into a living room filled with knickknacks before looking down at a four-foot-tall woman gripping a walker.

 

Sweet Jesus, we’ve struck gold.

 

I work up a serious but kind voice and say “Hello ma’am, we’re here about the ring. Sorry to not call first, I hope this time is okay for you.”

 

The old woman pivots the walker and starts to creep back toward the living room.

 

“Come in, come in . . . can I get you two a glass of milk?”

 

Jane jabs an elbow in my ribs and smiles as we enter the musty house.

 

“No, but thank you. We won’t be long.”

 

Jane closes the door. The woman swivels the walker and looks at us. I reach behind me and grab the bat from my belt.

 

“Give us the ring, bitch.”

 

The woman flashes a startled expression.

 

“Young man, what on earth are you doing?”

 

She starts trembling. Then suddenly she stops trembling and gets perfectly still. She points a bony finger at me and starts laughing.

What the hell.

 

The woman smiles and says, “Ooh, this should be fun.”

 

She claps her hands and screams, “Boys!”

 

Three enormous pit bulls burst out of a bedroom and race toward Jane and me. They jar to a halt two feet in front of us and start growling. I stare at the animals and raise the bat, preparing to fight.

 

“Young man, if I were you, I’d drop the bat . . . if you want to keep any of your leg meat, that is.”

 

I look at the three sets of enormous, dripping teeth and drop the bat next to a wicker basket filled with old copies of Ladies Home Journal.

 

The old woman grins and stares at Jane and me. She digs a hand under her shawl and brings out two trackball headsets. She tosses one to Jane and one to me.

 

“Put these on if you want to get out of here alive.”

 

We start complying.

 

The woman reaches into her pocket. She drags out a dildo and attaches it to the cross bar on her walker. Then she drags out a second one and snaps it onto the bar at the other end.

 

She commands us to drop our pants and turn around.

 

As Jane and I are turning, the woman starts pushing the walker towards us. She flashes a toothless smile and chuckles before saying, “And to think that I used to have to pay for this.”

 

 

 

Thomas Sullivans writing has appeared in Underground Voices and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a comic memoir about teaching drivers education. For info on this title, and to view more of Thomas’ writing, please visit his author website at http://thomassullivanhumor.com.

howcanihelp.jpg
Art by Christopher Lee Stine © 2011

How Can I Help You?

 

 

Thomas Sullivan

 

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

“Hi, Robert. My name’s Ray Clark, calling from Paradigm Info Services.”

 

“Okay . . .”

 

“I’m with an expert-networking firm here in New York. How’s the weather out there in Silicon Valley?”

 

“Uh, pretty good, what’s this about? I’m pretty busy right now with the quarterlies coming up.”

 

“Sure, sure, understand. I’ll be quick. As you probably know, we recruit consultants from various industries who can provide timely information to large-scale investors who . . .”

 

“And you’re interested in bringing me on board?”

 

“Well, in your role at AMD you are privy to timely market data.”

 

“That is correct. So . . .”

 

“So we’d like to offer you the chance to become one of our consultants. On a quarterly basis, for a significant sum of money, of course. Your former boss, Ray Wetstone, said you were a discreet fellow and might be interested.”

 

“Definitely. Is this straight pay or commission?”

 

“Straight. Once per quarter for information delivered two days before company results are made public. We’re prepared to start at 100, but that amount can certainly rise with performance.”

“Okay, sounds good. Truth be told, it’s been a while since I’ve had a decent raise. What’s the next step here?”

 

“A Richard Bloomfeld from Inspirada Capital will call you later today. I’ll fax over an agreement right now. Do you have a private, secure line?”

 

* * * *

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

“Hi Robert, its Richard from Inspirada.”

 

“Oh, hey, how’s it going? Still digging out over there?”

 

“Jesus, tell me about it. Horrible time for a fucking blizzard. I actually walked to work. So Ray filled you in on the deal?”

 

“Yup, got the fax, sent it back. Just need to know what exactly you want and in what format. I’m poring through it all right now.”

 

“Looking good?”

 

“Very.”

 

“Okay, we need Units Shipped, Average Price Per Unit, Estimated Profit, and any one-time charges or write-downs you’re aware of.”

 

“Piece a cake. Got it right here. Excel spreadsheet okay?”

 

“Sure, sure. I’ll send along my email address and we’re good to go. So it’s looking good, huh?”

 

“I think you’ll be surprised.”

 

* * * *

 

TWO DAYS LATER:

 

“Robert Johnson speaking, how can I help you?”

 

What the fuck is your deal?”

 

“Mom?”

 

“Very funny, asshole. What kinda game you think you’re playing?”

 

“Oh, Richard, it’s you. Yeah, tough luck on that one. When I saw the headline ‘Investors Disappointed By AMD Results,’ I thought, I know one sucker for whom that’s probably a big understatement. So how much did you guys lose?”

 

“I cannot believe this shit.”

 

“C’mon, no spilled milk, how much?”

 

“Listen, pal, and listen close, you do not want to screw with us.”

 

“Too late. I already did.”

 

“We’ve got ways to make your life hell.”

 

“Too late there as well; it’s pretty much hell already. But if you could stop breathing into the phone for a second, I’ve got some very valuable information for you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Well, Richard, they sell these little devices at Radio Shack that let you record calls. Small thing, only $19.95. Pretty slick, you guys should definitely look into the company that makes them. Anyway, I recorded both of your calls. And, as I’m sure you’re aware, soliciting non-public info is a big no-no. Insider trading is a serious offense.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“You’re welcome. Do you look good in stripes? Anyhow, unless you want the recordings to find their way to the SEC, I’d advise you to forget this whole little affair.”

 

“Screw you, you signed with Ray. You’re part of this now.”

“Nope, never signed, just shredded. And the info I sent you, guess what?”

 

“What.”

 

“It was from 1998. Whaddya think I am, stupid?”

 

Argh!!!”

 

“Hey, you have a great Christmas. Gotta go.”

 

 

 

Thomas Sullivans writing has appeared in Word Riot and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a comic memoir about teaching drivers education. For information on this title, please visit his author website at http://thomassullivanhumor.com.

In Association with Fossil Publications