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James Coffey
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A Blunt Instrument

 

by James Coffey

 

 

As I fell to unconsciousness, I conjectured that the blow had been delivered with a blunt instrument.

I awoke with my arms bound to the arms and my legs bound to the legs of a wooden chair. Sitting opposite was a gleaming muscle-bound thug with shaven head and pungent halitosis. He wore a tattoo of SS Das Reich on his chest and introduced himself as Gregor. He held my credit card in front of my face and demanded my security number as he twisted my testicles with his other hand.

Finding myself in this very great strait, I adopted a trusted ruse and sobbed enthusiastically and, I hoped, pitifully.  

At this juncture, Imelda entered the room, no doubt to burnish her betrayal of me with further treachery. She ordered the brute Gregor to desist and gave him my security number, to which she was privy, and dispatched him to do his worst.

Fearing that Imelda’s mind was incensed against me and that some new degradation would now be visited upon me, I sobbed with renewed vigor.

But lo, Imelda, with soothing words dried my tears and stroked my face. She spoke of the delicacy of our relationship, the nuances of which were our own special secret which lay far beyond the understanding of the oaf Gregor.  As she cut me free, she opined that she had known all along that what I truly wished was to be her slave, to subordinate myself with restraint, but without reservation, to her desires.

As she held my head to her ample bosom, she counseled me to avoid the petty jealousies which I am subject to and to dedicate myself to satisfying her needs, the most pressing of which was that I should proceed to clean and polish the kitchen and hall floor and then attend to the washing up.

Thereupon, I fell to my tasks with bridled relish.

The dunderhead Gregor returned and deposited the parcels and bags he had bought with my credit card on the front porch, just as a young policeman arrived.

I could not but notice a teasing familiarity between the young officer and Imelda, who shrank coquettishly under his lascivious gaze. I was entirely unprepared for these events, attired as I was in Imelda’s red leather pinafore and carrying a bottle of cleaning fluid in one hand and a sponge in the other as the numbskull Gregor issued dark threats against me, whilst simultaneously protesting both his innocence and his undying love for Imelda.

Emboldened by the presence of the police officer, I pointed out that I was the injured party in this affair, but this only served to inflame Gregor’s anger.

 

Eventually, the police officer took Gregor away, and I was free to resume my housework.

On reflection, and cowardice being the strongest of my character traits, I resolved to forgo my pleasures and be away before the murderous Gregor returned. I announced this to Imelda, as I put on my coat and made to open the front door.

There was just enough time to conjecture whether Gregor or Imelda had delivered the blow, probably with a blunt object, though it might have been a police baton, as I fell to unconsciousness on the newly polished hall floor.






James Coffey lives and works in Coventry, England. He started writing short stories and flash fiction a few years ago and particularly likes the challenge of trying to say as much as possible in as few words as possible. He has been published in Linnets Wings, Apocrypha and Abstraction, Ink Sweat & Tears, Molotov Cocktail, and Dogzplot.

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