F. Michael LaRosa
He liked ’em
they called ’em.
didn't understand it himself—didn't know where the attraction came from.
mama hadn't been fat. Nor his sister. Nor anyone in his family but sad, fat ol’
Aunt Peg who was not in any way “sexy fat” but a sort of weird, square,
flat-butted fat with small breasts and a big belly like a man‘s.
That wasn't the kind of fat he liked.
liked 'em round.
wide, pear-shaped women with nice tits, and huge, fat derrières that turned
into pale, massive, bumpy thighs.
fat, cottage cheese thighs that rolled and bumped their way down fine, thick
legs to pudgy, dimpled knees and wide, heavy calves and chunky ankles and short
little pig-like feet that were crammed, tight and sweaty, into tiny pumps, and
the whole, fat, lip-smacking enchilada stacked precariously on four-inch heels.
button-snappin’, fat-assed spillage, oozing like cookie dough from a tube—like
ham sausage, sweet, salty, and delicious.
liked a fat girl who liked to show off. Who knew she was hot.
wiggled and waggled and swung her big, delectable tail. Who was in a sort of
demolition derby with the world, knocking crap over with her big, crazy ass.
me,” she'd say. “I bumped your car with my ass.”
the alarm went off.
air bag inflated.
liked a big, fat, long-haired, butt-swingin’ hussy.
what he liked.
She was sort of
so bold. Proud, maybe. A big, proud woman.
mean, she knew she was fat but she didn’t care. Well, maybe she cared, but she
was sick of caring. Sick of dieting. Sick of feeling guilty. Sick of trying to
be somebody she could never be.
of being jealous.
of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.
of Tyra Banks, who talked as though she was fat or knew something about being
fat but really didn't know shit about it—was not fat and never had been and
probably never would be.
of Oprah. Sick of Kirsty Alley.
of all of it.
wanted something different.
more than that.
wanted to indulge, without guilt.
wanted fat, juicy steaks and a ton of French fries.
cream. Chocolate. Oh, yes! Chocolate!
wanted a guy all over her.
not some liar—not some wimp who wanted to stick his pecker in her all the time
at home but acted all ashamed in public—who would stuff her face, then ooh and
ah over it, then pretend he didn't know her if they happened to see his
colleague or, worse, a relative or friend..
She wanted a real man.
Sure of himself.
had heard of guys like that—good-lookin’, successful guys who liked fat girls.
there were dozens of ads.
fatter the better,” one said.
worship you,” said another.
she didn't like the idea of meeting a guy online. I mean, he could be anybody.
could be a serial killer.
fat-hating son-of-a-bitch who'd drive her to an isolated spot in the boonies,
tie her up, and cut her throat.
damn, she was lonely.
what she could do to a guy.
sat on the sofa in sweat pants and tee-shirt, her fat little feet propped on
the coffee table, and consoled herself with a half-gallon of Rocky Road ice
cream. None of that light shit, either.
was sick of that, too.
free” gave her diarrhea—a helluva price to pay for something that wouldn’t make
a bit of difference.
This was the real thing.
creamy, with huge chunks of chocolate.
washed them down with Coke. Not Diet Coke.
chugged it from a two-liter bottle.
he known, it would have made his day.
would have tripped his trigger.
he was home, alone, tripping his trigger while looking at digital images of fat
women on the Internet.
He had dated
some women in his day.
in the beginning, when he was taking them home to Mama.
them, he thought.
other guys would have loved to have dated.
he always had an eye for the chubby ones.
hanging over, squeezed out over the belt loops.
handles. Queen-sized muffin tops.
Gloria, who had dropped out of school in her sophomore year. Gloria, in her
skin-tight jeans and skimpy little tees.
tits and belly combo.
he’d never have dated a girl like Gloria.
was hiding back then. Nobody knew how he felt, what he liked. Nobody knew he
was into fat girls. Things certainly
would be different if he had it to do over again.
was the woman he’d seen at the beach not so many years ago—big, fat, sexy
heifer in a bikini.
maybe three hundred pounds. Fat rolls dripping down, hanging over.
she was, out there prissing about the shoreline, letting those lucky breakers
lick her fat little toes.
with her lover.
here he sat on a damp towel with Savannah. And it wasn’t Savannah's fault. As a
matter of fact, she would have been perplexed had he expressed himself—had he
told her he was sorry she‘d worked so hard for that taut little tummy because,
in his secret dreams, he yearned to bury his face into the big, soft, sagging
belly that teased him from thirty feet away.
there were other fat women on the beach.
their long skirts and baggy shirts. In their billowing muumuus.
their big, delicious bodies. Or trying to.
trying to hide a cow under a blanket,” he thought.
it wasn’t just about the fat, and it wasn’t even about how the fat was
was about attitude.
fat woman of his dreams was not ashamed or guilty about who she was. She didn’t
try to hide the fact that she enjoyed life.
was a rebel. She ate what she wanted, packed on the pounds, and flaunted it on
the beach in a goddamned bikini meant for someone half—a third (!)—her size.
he still questioned himself. How was it he was with somebody like
Savannah—Savannah with her so-called cute figure, pert ass, perfect little
cupcake breasts—yet yearned for the big, sexy whale he’d seen dallying on the
Laughed at. Pointed to.
he still felt it was somehow wrong. . . .somehow unacceptable to be so excited
over a woman like that.
he couldn't seem to help it.
God knows, he tried.
away, groin to groin, with Savannah that night, determined to make it happen.
Sweating. Working. Endlessly pounding into her, trying to get off, and finally,
that woman crossing his mind‘s eye like a some sort of obese angel, and Geezus,
it had happened instantly.
Spasm after powerful, mind-bending spasm.
and squirming on top of Savannah’s bony little frame, letting her think she'd
done that to him, when all he could think about was the woman on the beach.
you see it,” he asked himself later as Savannah slept and he masturbated behind
the locked bathroom door. “Did you see that fat bitch?”
dared herself to wear a short skirt to the mall, but was having second
of all, it was too tight. She’d ordered
it online from a shop that catered to obese women—had worked hard trying to
measure her waist and her big, fat ass. She had confessed her height and weight
on the goddamned order form, had paid way too much, and counted the seven days
it took to finally find her via parcel post.
then it was too damned tight.
even though the waist band was soft elastic, it seemed to cut into her.
And the fabric, touted as “slimming,”
showed every bulge and ripple.
belly peeked out from under the hem.
blouse, too, which had hung in the closet for two years, was way too small.
Tiny, really. It squeezed her like a
corset, the buttons threatening to pop any second.
looked like a fat whore, she thought.
fat, ugly whore!”
yet, she was sick of caring, and she wanted to prove it. She wanted to not give
a damn anymore.
idea was to carry other clothes—something she could pull over these in case she
lost her nerve, or it became too much for her.
pointing. She knew they would.
’em,” she said.
pushed her fat feet into those little high heels, grabbed her purse, stood up,
and wobbled to the front door. The steps were tricky, and she almost lost her
God she didn't.
imagined it: Imagined laying there like a big roach on her back, arms and legs
flailing, the neighbors, unable to lift her, calling the fire department.
19 rolling up.
on the Six O'Clock News.
she made it down the stairs, then focused on maneuvering the sidewalk.
She was already self-conscious—could
have sworn that every neighbor was watching from his or her window even as she
made the precarious journey to the carport.
She was scared to death some kids would meander past—boys on their bikes
with nothing better to do than to point and stare and giggle and say mean
she made it to the car unaccosted, and squeezed herself behind the wheel.
It was tighter than she remembered,
even with the seat pushed all the way back.
She had put on some weight since she
last drove. There were disadvantages, she supposed, to having her groceries
worked out six days a week. It was, along with masturbation, one of his few
indulgences. Sometimes he couldn't believe his life had become like this.
Working. Working out. Jacking off. Sleeping.
hardly even saw the boys, now that Savannah had remarried.
was, he told himself, just preoccupied.
to work it out.
women eating. Stuffing their faces. Wallowing in the sheets, filling their big
imagined himself bringing them food, feeding them.
get up again today,” she’d say.
lazy cow of a woman lounging in her negligee.
tits. Big ass.
darling,” he’d croon, ladling in a spoonful of lasagna. “Enjoy.”
my love.” It was ice cream this time. Or chocolate. “Be free.”
his fantasies, his women chugged Coke from a two-liter bottle, just like she’d
done the night before.
that Coke—the whole goddamned thing—then belched like a man.
like she’d done.
he didn’t know she’d done it.
didn’t know she existed.
never seen her before in his life.
couldn’t drive in the high heels any better than she could walk in them, and it
took awhile to get them off and up in the seat where they’d be out of her way.
when she turned the key, the engine was slow to turn.
hadn’t been out in awhile.
were, she felt, warning signs—indications that she should not follow through
with the bizarre idea of parading through the mall in next to nothing.
then, on the third try, the Buick started.
she put the car in reverse.
felt so uneasy—so unsure of herself. She had been driving for years, yet was
all over the driveway as she backed out. Once at the end, she had trouble
turning her head to see. There seemed to be a lot of traffic on her street,
which was usually not busy at all.
school was letting out.
felt as though she had been sitting there, looking huge in the seat, for
fifteen minutes, though it was closer to five.
the cars whizzed past, she imagined the children inside pointing at her.
at that fat lady,” they’d say. “In that little car.”
finally there was a break in the traffic, and she backed on out into the
street, and headed toward the mall.
worked out at Ace Gym, which shared, of course, its parking lot with the mall.
it was part of the mall. He wasn’t sure.
was expensive, really. But nice.
And with enough equipment available that he seldom had to wait on a particular
had no set routine anymore.
pretty much free-wheeled it, working legs less than he should, and back.
Focusing on biceps and pectorals.
he looked good.
veiny arms. Nice chest. Washboard abs.
who hung out at the gym had been all over him at first, but he’d never given
them the time of day. He wasn‘t playing
that game anymore. He knew what he liked, and they weren’t it. They consoled
themselves by thinking he was gay. He’d overheard it once. Women would
think that, rather than thinking
they might be unattractive to him. Especially those women, with their hard-won
little athletic builds.
‘em,” he said.
mall loomed like a fortress in one of those so-called epic movies.
frequented by . . . who? By everyone, she thought. It was nothing for most
people to go the mall.
wear a skirt. To wear whatever the fuck they wanted.
heels? Why not?
sexy blouse? Of course.
sat for . . . what? Twenty minutes? Thirty? Staring at the mall, her mind
racing. God! What had become of her?
her? Was she such a bad person? Was she such a pig?
had always been fat—always dreamed of being thin, of being normal.
And she could remember every word that
had been uttered to her about her size.
Stewart in third grade.
Miller, whom she secretly loved.
Shelton, that bitch.
tears were starting to roll, which was all she needed.
hysterical heifer,” she thought. “Fat pig bitch blubbering like a goddamn
She was sick of this.
it,” she said, checking her mascara in the rearview.
opened the car door, grabbed the high heels and set them on the pavement. It
was going to be a chore to turn in the seat, get those heels on, and stand up.
walk across the parking lot.
is crazy,” she thought.
she scooted her wide rump across the seat, squeezing out from under the wheel
and turning so that her dough-pale legs hung out the car door.
then her feet—fat little pig-like feet—were in those pumps.
grunting, she managed to stand.
mall seemed to rise up before her, ominous and ugly.
stood there, in the glow of the car’s dome light, the door hanging open, and
liked to park at the Target, walk through the mall, then cross the parking lot
to the gym. He wasn’t sure why. The people maybe. He was lonely, and there were
people at the mall. Hustling and bustling.
teens hanging out after school.
seldom made eye contact.
moved, he thought, like a ghost through the crowd.
had crossed his mind that people might think him a predator of some sort,
skulking about the mall almost daily, never stopping to buy. But he was just an
meant no harm.
pulled into the lot and decided to park at the outskirts. The longer walk would
do him good. He drove to the edge of the parking lot and made a left. And
that's when he glimpsed her—just as he turned to begin the slow trawl for an
empty space—a big, fat, cow of a woman in some sort of knit miniskirt.
heels. Skin-tight blouse.
he said aloud. “Did you see that?”
sped up a bit, looking for a way to cut through the double row of vehicles to
the other lane, where he could loop back and get a better look.
she for real?
was an occasional empty space, but none that went all the way through, so he
wound up driving to all the way to the stop sign in front of the Target. His
intention was to make the two quick lefts and speed down the lane to catch her
before she drove away, but, between the pedestrians and other drivers, it
seemed to take forever.
some stupid bitch decided to back out just as he made the second left.
laid on the horn, cursing her and, as though she could feel the intensity of
his anxiety, she pulled back in.
drove much too fast to the other end of the lot, made the left, and got an
standing—posing—as though to model for him.
let his eyes dance over her big, curvy body.
sexy ass, barely covered by that little skirt.
calves. Thick ankles.
he said again.
has to be somebody’s,” he thought. “Something that special, that wonderful
couldn’t be available."
some big ape was sitting in the car and he just couldn't see. Or maybe she was
waiting for somebody—some handsome Hollywood type who would take her home,
stuff her pretty face, then have his way with her.
had slowed to a crawl so as to take her in, but didn’t want to make himself
conspicuous, so he sped up again, made the turn, and shot back down to the end
of the lane, keeping an eye peeled for a cut-through.
son-of-a-bitch was buying a giant television or something, and loading it right
there in the middle of the goddamned road.
yelled it out, forgetting his window was down. The loaders stopped and just
stared at him, open-mouthed. Flustered, he tried to get by the obstacle, only
to meet oncoming traffic.
backed up to allow three or four vehicles to pass, then pulled around again.
This time he made his left and sped back up the lane for the third time.
saw her again as he made the left, still standing, gazing at the Mall.
should say something. Nothing out of line. Something nice. Some mild
look great,” he could say. “Wonderful. Like an angel.”
she might think him forward—a stranger saying such a thing. Yet, he was certain
she got hit on a lot.
lot of guys like fat chicks,” he said.
let his eyes linger, sucking her in. Long hair hanging down her back.
Skin-tight blouse that displayed every enormous bump and crevice, its buttons
hanging on for dear life. What could he say to such a woman? How could he
worship you,” he thought.
moved as though to turn toward him and he spontaneously hit the gas, taking the
left that would lead him around the loop again.
when he decided that he didn't care—that he was going to approach her.
was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What in God's name did he have to lose?
He was going to speak. What harm could it do to say hello?
heart was racing now.
rolled up to the stop sign in front of Target and sat for a minute, collecting
himself, letting his mind roll over some ideas—something clever? Or just hello?
Thank her. Thank her for letting him
see her—just for letting him look.
for being alive.
she says, fuck off, so be it,” he told himself.
he eased on out, made the two lefts, and drove up the lane to where she had
was not speeding this time.
was, he had to admit, scared to death.
he made the left.
she was gone.
just couldn't do it.
put herself through it.
if she came off a few pounds. Maybe if she cut back a little.
into that skirt better.
squeezed back into the car, feeling defeated.
tiny, battered soul in a big, fat body.
drove home. She shuffled barefoot up the walk, carrying those goddamned stupid
pumps, climbed the steps with great effort, and flopped down on the sofa,
let go, crying until she couldn't catch her breath. She sat for . . . how long
this time? An hour?
Finally, she pulled herself up and
wobbled into the kitchen to see what she might find to eat.
she thought. Yeah . . .
first she’d call out for pizza.