Yo Mamma’s

Food for Thought

by Keith Hoerner

The origin of last meals is unclear. It is believed French prisoners were given a glass of rum prior to their deaths. In 16th-century England, inmates were invited to dine with their executioners. Today, in America, the tradition has taken on its own flavorful manifestations.

Jasper County Texas State Penitentiary, 2011

He had a tendency to whitewash everything, but that’s what White Supremacists do. “It’s not me, some unethical morality taught through my upbringing . . . it’s just plain fact that Caucasian males are supreme over all other human beings,” was the blather he’d spew oh-so arrogantly. It’s supposed that the minor infraction Lawrence Russell Brewer felt toward James Byrd, Jr. on June 7, 1998, is what drove him to chain the disabled Byrd mercilessly by the ankles to the back of his pickup truck and drag him to his death. “He had his thumb out hitchhiking,” said Brewer. “He could see I was a white man; like I’m gonna be this Nigger’s chauffeur or somethin’. Well, I gave him a ride, all right.”

    - Last meal . . . two chicken-fried steaks, a pound of barbecue, and copious, indiscriminate sides. Not taking one bite of the excessive meal, Texas abolished its last-meal courtesy directly afterward.

In an analysis of 247 last meals, prepared in the U.S. over four years, the calorie count averaged 2,756 with four meals estimated at 7,000 plus. Seventy percent was fried food. From Coca-Cola to other specific brands, the choices remain unusual—in their individuality and quirkiness.

Illinois’ Old Stateville Penitentiary, 1994

Pogo the Clown almost arrived late to the McCartneys’ house in suburban Chicago to perform for Tommy’s 7th birthday party. Subtle, but noticeable upon a discerning look, were the muddied ends of his faux satin, bell-bottomed costume—having just buried yet another victim in his prolific mass-murdering spree. The total victim count of this killer clown, surname of John Wayne Gacy, reached an unimaginable 33 young boys and men. Today, he would pay with his life, recognized as the worst serial killer in U.S. history. No painted-on smiles here. His pleas of innocence fell ‘frown down,’ even with support of a self-funded 900 number as a final party trick to scam funds to stay his execution.

    - Eating a bucket of fried chicken until all pieces ‘disappeared’ is said to have been his final sleight of hand—followed by a salty testimony of his innocence to onlookers before dying.

As a ritual, the last meal is intended not to comfort the condemned but to soften—for society—the harsh fact that a human is about to be killed with the law's full sanction.

U.S. Penitentiary, Terra Haute, 2001

Like many a kid, Timothy loved to play war. His young mind thought himself a great patriot. “Get out of your trenches, you Commies,” he’d shout, rustling neighborhood friends from under bushes and out of trees . . . then, relieving them of their arms, take them “prisoner.” Timothy McVeigh couldn’t imagine, as a disgruntled army veteran, his mental incapacities would tip the scales of justice proving himself anything but patriotic: as the perpetrator of the bombing at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma, killing 168 on April 19, 1995 . . .  The worst act of American domestic terrorism after only that of the attacks against New York and Washington, D.C. on September 11th, 2001. Standing in his stained khaki trousers and dirty white T-shirt prior to lethal injection, he says to the guard, “Where’s my damn ice cream, Commie?”

    - Empty of two quarts of melting “mint chocolate chip,” the bowl rested near a poem left in defiance. The words of William Ernest Henley’s “Invictus” spoon fed his audience this sour message, “I am the master of my own fate; I am the captain of my soul.” 

Most states serve-up last meals two days before execution. Price limits vary between states from $15 to $40. Given the maximum dollar allotment, what would be your order?