The War Inside Me

Conrad Majors

1945. The war was over. In Europe, at least. Philadelphia was still burning. Junk dealers seemed to lob bigger and more explosive atomic bombs of addiction every night. The pimps invaded our street corners better than we ever could at Normandy. The mayor couldn’t have cared less, he was still in the era of appeasement, letting little Hitlers run through the night armed with baseball bats and tire irons. Some said it beat the krauts with machine guns. I never did. I almost wished I never left the war. In some ways I hadn’t.

She came to me one night like an ambush: suddenly. Ya see, I’d been out the office for some time now. I was hanging out with Kirby, like I always did on Friday nights. We’d been bunkmates in Fort Bragg. Now we were drinking down at Frank’s, nursing our wounds from the week. The night was young, my pack of cigarettes was full, her heels were on fire.

“Sam, Oh, Sam! Oh, thank God, I found you! Sam, it’s my brother, he’s been- been…”

Me and Kirby were taken aback. Her red fingernails were sandwiched between peanuts and cold beer. We would have told her to get lost if it hadn’t been for that short black skirt she was wearing.

Kirby was the first one to speak, as he always was.

“Just who the hell are you, lady?” His pudgy face japing and jawing in the box fan wind.

“Oh, Sam! You don’t remember me?” She had an air of seduction, but even in those early hours of the night I could smell the vinegar bubbling in her chest when she spoke to me.

“Can’t say I do, girly. I would remember a body like that.” It was a stupid remark. If it was any later, I would have tried to blame it on the booze. I won’t lie to ya like that. It had been lonely in that first year after the war. Tried to suppress it at Frank’s as much as I could. Became a joke around the neighborhood that the dirty place was my real office. That’s probably how she found me. Sticking her nose into local gossip.

“What do you want with Sam? Can’t you see the man is bu-”

“Can it, Kirby, let the little girl speak.” I struck a match, pretending to be the tough guy I always hid behind. She wasn’t that little, maybe only five years younger than me. “What’s on your mind, kid? Something about a brother?” I mouthed through cigarette.

“Yes, yes. He’s been, well, it’s terrible.”

“I know all about terrible, kid.” This is how the men in the pictures talked to girls back then. I swallowed it wholesale. Kirby always busted my balls about it. I gave him a good glance to keep quiet while she was still there. That’s the sorta thing guys used to do when they weren’t chasing women; ragging on each other about how well the other guy did it.

“Oh, I know you do,” she muttered. Now the pot of vinegar in her chest was boiling. The lid flew off for split, but she quickly threw it back on.

“You know the culprit?” I asked stupidly. Took a big swig like a cowboy. Kirby wasn’t excited. He never liked it when I dragged him into my line of work. His eyes would glow big, and he’d get scared like an idiot.  I could almost smell the piss swirling in his pants when she replied.

“Oh, yes, I very much do.” She stared at me for a moment before she could bring herself to say the next line: “Gangsters.”

“Oh, yea?” I looked back over at my former bunkmate. He was pleading with me now. The jowls on his cheeks started whimpering. His eyes got big and stupid-like. I knew what he was thinking. “Please Sam, not tonight. Handle this tomorrow when I’m far away from you and the storm which follows.” I still don’t feel bad for bringing him into it. I mean, how did I know he was gonna get shot?

“Well, I got bad news for you dear; I mostly deal with divorce cases. However, we can do gangsters… for the right price.” Kirby went for his coat. He threw it around his shoulders thinking he was slick.

“I’m outta here, Sam.”

Before he could get his fat little arms into the thing, I lost my temper.  “Sit your ass back down, Kirby!” The little table wobbled when I slammed my fist into it.

“C’mon, Sam.” He said, standing like a dog in a doorway.

“Aww, C’mon Sam” I mocked. He was always a chicken-shit. “Sit back down. Let’s help the little girl.”

“Damnit, Sam.”

“Enough outta you!” I twisted my head towards her. “Like I said: we’ll do anything for the right price.”

“Well, Sam…” The she-devil came close. She put her hand on my chest. I swigged more beer, pretending it didn’t excite me too much. I was a damn insect in her spider-web. Playing with my tie, she told me how she could pay me. Like an idiot I accepted.

“Aww Jesus, I thought you were better than that, Sam!”

With the she-devil sitting on my lap, I told Kirby to shut it. Well, what happened next you can imagine. I can’t say anymore on the matter. I know I said I wouldn’t lie to ya, but I’m still a Christian at heart, and there’s some things you just don’t talk about. We came back from the bathroom to Kirby’s stupid face pounding as many as he could before we left.

He went something like “Aww geeezz, Sam, why yew gotta do sometin like t-ha-ha-at?”

The girl told us the bastards were held up in a flophouse on 50^th between Market and Chestnut. Once we got there, I told her to wait outside.

“These kinda dumps ain’t no place for a girl like you.”

I used to try my hardest to say things like that to make em think I was a gentleman. Another trick to lure the girls into my line of trust. It was all horseshit. Made me sound tough. I really thought she believed it when she asked for my gun in case any animals came out of their poverty- infested zoo.

“Oh, my goodness, please Sam please! They’re disgusting! I never thought humans could succumb to this level of depravity! I need something to protect myself!”

“Yea, yea, alright. I got a backup one in the glovebox. Lock the door.”

 In truth, these places were no different from the streets outside. Lonely men trapped in little rooms with no American dream left to believe in. I was no different. I just had a slightly bigger room to go crazy in. She’d seen much worse. Bodies lying in the dirt. Buildings blown to smithereens. I was the one in over my head. Of course, I wasn’t any the wiser.

I kicked down the apartment door expecting John Dillinger. Instead, I saw nothing but bleak furniture. I pulled out my six-round-revolver while I checked for clues. Kirby was still standing in the hallway shitting himself.

“Get in there, fatso.”

“S-am-am, I’ve had e-e-enough.”

I pulled him in the room by his tie. “Shut up and the check the closet while I-”

Like that he was gone. Shattered glass from the window. His body lying on a roach infested carpet. In the closet I found a dock worker’s jacket. Wasn’t much, but it was all I got.

“Kirby’s dead, we gotta get down to the pier.” I told her as I slid into the car. Still cranking that cowboy act like idiot. She was calm, too calm. I told myself it was all the shock she was in. Stupidly assuming this was the most action she’d ever seen. But I could tell something was wrong. Tried to tell myself her behavior was normal. It didn’t work. I fumbled for cigarettes. Lit square after square. She just sat there.  

The streetlights, the cars, the mannequins that walk down our streets; it was all a big mess in my windshield. Around the tenth square I stopped trying to make sense of any of it. Just like war. The thing that really bugged me though was the way the car door opened without a key.

I don’t even remember how we got to the pier. All I remember is cutting the headlights in a little patch of woods bout a block away.

“So, tell me a little about these guys?”

“They killed my brother. They’re veterans.”

“Veterans?” I asked stupidly.

“Yea. Veterans killed my brother.”

“I’m a veteran yaknow, kid.”

“Yea I know.” She was still as a statue. So still, it hurt my heart. Then, she looked over at me. I finally felt at ease.

“Oh, I’m sorry for my odd behavior. It’s just been a lot. I mean first my brother, now your partner.”

“He wasn’t my partner kid.”

“Well, what I mean to say, oh it just feels like the walls are closing in on me. On us.” She put her arms around me and into my coat. Kissed me good to seal the deal. I was a sucker alright. She gripped the back of my head. Put that seduction back into her eyes. “Don’t let them ruin us Sam. We deserve Justice and freedom. Not to be cut up like dogs in the street.”

She had me on marionette strings. I slammed the car door hoping for hell.

I lit another square, God my mouth ached. I pulled out my flask I hid in my coat and numbed it with a couple shots of bourbon. Now my gun was burning a hole in my rib cage. “I mean where do these people get off, pretending to be veterans?” I thought while I stalked em from the trees.

They saw me immediately. Before I could make out any faces, I was hanging by my arms. They took me down to the end of pier. Put me in front of the head- honcho.

“Sam? Oh jeez, Sam! You scared me. The hell are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’re shooting this junk too.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. “Put him down boys.” They did as they were told. There were two of em on either side of me.

“Lamont?” I asked knowing the answer. He had been the machine gunner in my squad. All around him were piles and piles of God knows what. Whatever it was it made my blood boil seeing it next to him. They had a car right where the wood met the water. One of the thugs thought it was a good idea to flare its headlights on me. Lamont stood between the beams.

“I thought you-”

“You thought wrong. Just when I think this night couldn’t get worse. I find you making a mockery of us.”

“I beg your pardon? You can get outta here if you-”

“I aint going nowhere. I came here for some justice.”

“Alright Sam, you were always a high and mighty righteous bastard. I got a kid to feed. Get lost.” He turned his back to me. Now I really let him have it.

“Somebody’s gotta have morals around here. Killing innocent people. You outa be ashamed.”

He didn’t turn around. He’d always been a coward. “That’s rich coming from you. I know what you did back there. Everyone does. You never fooled anybody.”

“Shut your mouth!” I screamed. Now he was just hawking lies. I wanted to grab him by his neck and wring him out. Instead, I just kept yapping. “You were always scum.”

“Sam, we’re all doing this. Just get outta here before I ha-”

“Bullshit! I’m not pushing this shit! And I never have!”

I heard the beat of a revolver click. Everything changed in a second. Now the krauts were all around me again. Imprisoned in a jungle of bayonets and polish snow I slugged the first face I saw. One of the thugs hit the water so hard he never came back up for air. I pulled my gun outta my ribcage quick and blasted the other three to hell. It was now just me and the nazi general that wore Lamount’s face. He grabbed me before I could think. We hit the floor. My gun fell to my side. The beams from the car engulfed us.

“Damn it, Sam, you ruined everything!” His starved wolf eyes ate me whole. We wrapped around each other like mating snakes.

“Why ya do it?!?” He had me pinned. I didn’t care. My lips were wet with blood. I couldn’t tell whose. “What was she mixed up with huh?! Drugs!?! Late on a payment!? Feeding kids my ass! Why’d ya kill her brother?!?!”

He gripped me close and threw me back down. “What the hell are you talking about?!?”

“The girl,” my eye beaded from side to side, “You killed somebody’s brother.”

“What girl, I never killed nobody. Not even in the war. You know that Sam.” The scumbag was right; he hadn’t. He took a step back. “You stormed down here and shot the place up over a girl?” Confusion strangled him. Made his eyes go white. I got to my feet. Slugged more bourbon to show him his words didn’t scare the shit outta me like they did. I wiped the blood from my lips.

“You should have killed me.” I stuttered. The words came outta me without any warning. I snatched the gun from the floor.

“The war’s over Sam.”

“No, it’s not.”

He fell to his knees. “Sam… please.”

“The war will be never over.” I put the gun to his forehead. “People like you should have died back there for this country.”

“Sam.” Now he started crying like a baby.

“Instead, you came home to kill it from within.” You can imagine what happened next. It was a cruel act. Took two bullets. I thought if I killed him, I’d kill the thoughts he made me feel. Didn’t work. From then on whenever I saw my own uniform, all I could think about was Lamount and his thugs down at the pier. Destroyed what pride I had left in the thing. It was the only pride I’d ever felt. Now it’s just a rag they’ll bury me in.

I marched back to the car, defeated. I could feel the snow crawling back into my boots, as I drowned myself in more whiskey. When I got to the machine, she was gone. “Whatever,” I thought. I’d had enough. Girl or no girl, I was gonna go home and drink myself blind. “A few hours of oblivion is all I need to forget everything,” I told myself. Then she put cold steel to my temple.

“Get in the fuckin’ car” She whispered in my ear. I did as she told.

“Where are we going?” Was the last thing I said before she knocked me out with the butt of my own gun. I awoke in darkness.

“Get up you monster.” She was standing over me. Still in that short skirt. I saw the devil in her eyes. Beside her was a gasoline canister. I didn’t recognize the room we were in. At one point it had been an all-American living room. High ceiling. Nice couch. Radio all the kids had sat around after dinner. Now it smelled of animal shit and had roaches fighting over sections of the carpet. I laid in the middle of the floor right on an antique rug coated in decades of dirt. I tried to get to my feet. While I was out, she must have broken my legs. I could barely crawl. Even in my most desperate hour I tried to act tough.

“What’s the angle kid?”

“Cut the act.” I got a belly full of her high heel. “You still don’t remember me?!”

Gripping my stomach and laying on my back, I did as she told. “Just what am I supposed to remember you from?” I coughed out.

“Poland.” My blood turned to ice. “You killed my brother.”

“I was just following orders.” She splashed gasoline in my face.

“Orders from the enemy.” She started pouring the vile stuff around the perimeter of the room.

“Anyone would have done the same. You don’t understand anything about war.” My heart started racing. “I was trapped behind enemy lines!”

“You committed war crimes me and my family on September 2^nd, 1944.” Here they went with the lies again. “You beheaded my brother to show allegiance to your captors.”

“I would have been thrown into a POW camp!”

“You defected to the enemy rather than spend a few days in a prison camp. The Americans liberated my village only five days after you killed him. You flipped back, thinking nobody would ever catch you.” She struck a match. “You’ve met me before.” Her eyes stabbed me in the light of the flame. “Like you did in the bathroom.” It was all horse shit. I’d never seen her in my life. “I’ve called the fire department; they should be here in exactly five minutes. Just enough time before this house collapses in on itself.” She dropped the match onto the ring of gasoline. Flames erupted. Like a banshee, she was gone. I laid there in the burning mess.

I put my gun to the bottom of my chin. It dry-fired against my throat. Three bullets in the thugs. Two in Lamont. I should have had one left for myself. That’s when I realized she’d switched the guns on me back at the pier. It was a smart move. She knew cops didn’t give a shit about scum like Lamont. Kirby was a different story. Before I could crawl into the fire to end it all, I had handcuffs around my wrists. They gave me a life sentence, but this was the final kicker. Back in the bathroom she had given me something I could never get rid of. The doctors in here said it was incurable. Left untreated it could drive you mad. By the time they figured out what it was, they told me it was too late.

The war’s still not over. Even in this concrete box I’m still fighting. Fighting for my name, fighting for my sanity, fighting for this country, people like Lamont and the mayor are trying to destroy and the animals in the flophouse are in the trenches of. I never did what they said. I never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it.