Benedict Arnold

by Paul Hostovsky

“I did my report on Benedict Arnold

because those other guys were all taken

by the time I got home from my grandmother’s

funeral in Florida. George Washington

and Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin

and Alexander Hamilton and John

Hancock and John Adams and John Jay

et al., were all taken and only Benedict

Arnold remained. Because nobody likes a traitor.

And his name is synonymous with betrayal.

The most infamous turncoat in our history.

But he makes for an interesting story.

And isn’t that what history ought to be?

I mean think for a minute about what the man

risked. The punishment for high treason

for much of the history of England and its colonies

was emasculation, evisceration, and decapitation,

in that order. In other words, they would cut off

your weenie (excuse me, Mrs. Cunningham,

but it’s true, you can google it if you want to),

then slice you open, and after you had finished

watching your intestines spill onto the ground,

they would cut off your head for good measure,

stick it on a spike or palisade, and there among

the other traitorous heads, display it for weeks

or months at a time. For reasons of public decency

women convicted of high treason were usually

burnt at the stake instead. And that concludes

my report on Benedict Arnold. Any questions?”