Doctor Grizzly

by Chris Bunton

Journal Entry 10/16/20

Blood dripped from my fingertips as I stepped away.

“I’m sorry.” I told the patient.

I always apologize to them, when I hurt them. It was not my intent to hurt, but to heal. That’s the whole point of everything I do. Healing. That’s my oath.

I had found this particular patient behind a dumpster in an alley. He was obviously drunk and I found him pleasuring himself. . . .

I coaxed the patient into my van with a bottle of cheap Crystal Palace vodka. Then, I questioned him, as I drove him to my laboratory and operating room in the basement of my pharmacy building.

During the interview, he had described his condition as,

“A taste for alcohol and an extreme urge to touch himself.”

In my experiments, I had learned the proper ways to heal patients of many ailments, and these journals I was keeping were the culmination of years of effort. They would ultimately be submitted to the medical community and hopefully my research would be included in medical journals worldwide. That was my hope at least. I wanted to benefit mankind and felt that my efforts would do so. My peers often rejected my methods. But, after seeing my success, they will agree.

The patient before me was a male, 49 years old, and overweight. He was quite agreeable to my attempts to cure him, after realizing that 12-step programs had never worked for him. The patient was desperate and signed a waiver. After strapping him to the operating table I gave him a shot of morphine to deaden the pain of the cure.

But I soon realized that I had not given him enough, because he was in pain after I had removed his tongue. This is the only way to cure, “A taste for liquor.” You must remove the taste organ.

I gave him another shot of morphine and stuffed his mouth with gauze to stop the bleeding. I also applied more gauze to his right hand which I had removed as part of the cure for the desire to touch one’s self.

I gave the tongue to my assistant, Billy. He was working for me, as part of a cure for his malady. He was found with a sign saying, “Will werk for Food.” Yes. It was even misspelled, which shows the severity of his “will work for food syndrome.” I have found that the only real cure is to make him fast for a month, then to only feed him medical waste. The diet has worked to make him desire the normal life of working for money. I think this is a great breakthrough.

But, let’s get back to the patient before me. He was no longer in pain, but he was still wide awake. These cures I have invented really work best when the patient is awake and deprived of sleep or escape through passing out. It’s important that the patient view what is happening so they can learn. These ailments are not only physical, but also psychological, and need both parts treated in order to bring about healing. That is the secret, really. I expect that this discovery will win me the Nobel.

I cut the jeans off the patient with my scissors and grabbed my scalpel to prepare for the second part of the cure for masturbation. I am certain that once this quick surgical procedure is performed, the patient will be completely cured of the need to fondle his genitalia; as they will be removed. This has cured every patient I have encountered, and I am certain that my medical peers will agree that no further treatment will be needed.

I gave the patient another dose of morphine before proceeding, because this portion of the two-part cure can be quite painful. Once the patient has fully recovered, he will be returned to his home behind the dumpster, completely free of the illnesses that have plagued him. He will then be able to find a home, gainful employment, and become an upright citizen.

I am certain that my medical peers will agree with my assessment.

Dr. H.P. Grizzly, Surgeon.

Chris Bunton is a writer, poet and blogger from Southern Illinois.