If Awoken, Please Go Back to Sleep

by John Patrick Robbins

I picked up my usual poison and the weirdo behind the counter looked at the asshole across the counter and for some odd reason thought I desired conversation.

“Planning on a big weekend, pal?"

I looked at the former drunkard, a now angry nutcase, working a liquor store of all places and had to question his logic until I thought, I am a magazine editor and yet I hate writers.

I decided to entertain my unhappy liquor merchant's question.

"Nope, this is just my norm, brother."

The guy who resembled a featherless pelican looked at me in shock.

"Dude, you mean to tell me you go through two half-gallons of bourbon a fucking week?"

"I mean, only when I'm taking it easy."

The man whose name tag read “Randy” shook his head.

"You gotta be drinking these with friends or else you better start drinking them in the cemetery to save you the trip, man.”

"Actually, I rather enjoy drinking in the cemetery."

"You're fucking with me. Come on."

"Nope, I am dead serious, man, I mean, no pun intended."

The guy I seldom heard speak let alone laugh cracked up.

"All right, well, what about your still-breathing friends?”

I paused for a moment as the gangly, pissed-off former brother of the bottle handed me my booze and receipt.

"Well, if I see those cocksuckers in the cemetery, that will give me truly a reason to celebrate. Shit, do you all sell shovels? I might be so happy from those pricks turning blue, I may just help bury their sorry asses or dig up a cold one just for laughs.”

Randy, the guardian of the liquor, didn't get my humor as apparently, I'm banned for life from that said fine-spirited location.

Seems everyone's a damned critic these days.

Cheers.

John Patrick Robbins, is a southern gothic writer.

His work has appeared in Horror Sleaze Trash, Disturb the Universe, Punk Noir Magazine, Piker Press, Fixator Press, SAVA Press, Lothlorien Poetry Journal, Spill The Words, Schlock Magazine, and The Dope Fiend Daily.

His work is often dark and always unfiltered.