Dear Ms. Allen,

As the court-assigned arbitrator in Ms. Rock’s request to nullify your friendship contract, I must insist that you cease and desist from contacting her until a settlement is reached. If you are found in violation of the restraining order, you may be subject to legal penalties and may forfeit any monies or other awards granted to you as the result of the dissolution of said contract.

Sincerely,

Michael Mason, esq.

How dare you have your lackey send me threatening letters. You signed a contract. You can’t ghost me. You’re legally obligated to be my best friend forever.

Dear Ms. Allen,

The floral display you sent to Ms. Rock is in violation of the restraining order, as are your constant phone calls and text messages. Ms. Rock submitted a formal complaint, which included allegations that you appeared at her place of employment on 9 March and were escorted from the premises by William Grossman, the security guard on duty. The complaint referenced an Urgent Care bill to treat human bite marks sustained by Mr. Grossman, as well as multiple lacerations. These expenses shall be subtracted from any settlement you receive as the result of the nullification of your friendship agreement with Ms. Rock.

Sincerely,

Michael Mason, esq.

Did you like the forget-me-nots, Cindy? That buffoon who tried to strong-arm me had better have delivered them to you. I’m wearing that sweater of yours I borrowed. The gray fluffy one. The fabric still smells like the perfume I gave you last year for your birthday. The sweet scent reminds me of the vanilla cookies we used to bake at your grandmother’s house. Your nana would be ashamed of your behavior. She raised you to honor your obligations. Stop all this nonsense and talk to me.

Dear Ms. Allen,

Please do not send any more gifts to this office. While my staff was quite amused by the singing telegram, and you clearly went to great effort to obtain the correct style and size of the tap shoes for my daughter’s school recital, such gifts may be constituted as bribery, and are thus unacceptable as I must remain fair and impartial to the proceedings.

Sincerely,

Michael Mason, esq.

Tomorrow’s the anniversary of the signing of our friendship agreement. I still have the pen, but since I never use it, the ink will never run out. Just like our friendship will never end. You’re a part of me. Closer than family because we chose each other. We didn’t sign the contract in blood, but we might as well have. Just like those matching butterfly tattoos we got in Atlantic City, we’ll always be permanently inked and linked.

Dear Ms. Allen,

Since Ms. Rock has been missing for over ninety days and presumed dead due to the material evidence which suggests a violent assault, her suit to formally dissolve your friendship agreement has been terminated.

I appreciate your multiple requests to enter into friendship agreements with myself and several members of our staff, however, company policy dictates that we keep our relationships with business associates on a strictly professional basis.

hile not members of my firm, I have added an addendum to the said policy to extend to my wife and daughter. After your repeated attempts to follow and friend them, they have deactivated all of their social media accounts. Please cease any and all contact with them.

Should you require any additional legal assistance, I would be happy to recommend another firm. Perhaps one which specializes in criminal defense.

Sincerely,

Michael Mason, esq.

ENCLOSURE

Mason, Myer, and Stern Standard Operating Procedure 758-C:

Interactions with Former and Current Business Associates

Serena Jayne is a graduate of Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction MFA Program. Her short fiction can be found in The Arcanist, Hoosier Noir, Space and Time Magazine, and other publications.